HEALING & SELF DEVELOPMENT

Four lessons from a relationship that wasn’t meant to last.

Throughout my seven years with Jack, I faced hell, but I also prayed as if I had never prayed before in my life, I cried as if I had never cried, and I begged for mercy for my soul in more ways than I can even comprehend at times.

Seven years in a relationship that wasn’t meant to be, with each turmoil teaching me valuable lessons to take me through the rest of my life. 

I share my most valuable lessons with you, hoping you will find comfort in your breakup.

These lessons will forever stay with me, and boy, oh boy, am I glad that I have these lessons now.

I will be saving myself much time if I reflect and keep these lessons close by when I date other men.

HE’S NOT READY; LEAVE HIM ALONE.

 

When a man tells you he isn’t ready for a relationship, please listen to him.

It is not an opportunity for you to change his mind and forget about hoping he will finally wake up one day and want to marry you.

When Jack and I first met, he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and I pushed and pushed until he gave in, but he never gave in with his heart, time or space. His commitment to me was empty words.

Plain and simple, he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me; maybe he stayed because he felt bad, or perhaps we got close, and he didn’t know how to let go.

But he never wanted to be in a committed relationship with me, and in the end, I paid for it, always wondering why he wasn’t this or that or why we always seemed to be getting nowhere together as a couple.

Jack would never be ready for me, not seven years ago and not seven years later.

Initially, I was desperate to be in a committed relationship leading to marriage, family, and another child. I was looking past all the facts he was telling me upfront.

I ignored many red flags.

Had I taken his first statement, “I am not ready” or “Please don’t get attached,” and left him alone, I would have saved myself from so much hurt and pain.

When men tell you they are not ready, please listen, and for heaven’s sake, don’t wish upon a start that he will change his mind. 99 % of the time, he is, in fact, not ready or doesn’t want to be with you.

Ignoring a man’s straightforwardness and honesty will lead to pain and create suffering in the long run.

Take his word for what it is at face value; you can decide if you want to tag along, be used, play around with him or move on to an available man.

I am not ready for a relationship means I AM NOT READY.

IF WE CAN’T PRAY TOGETHER, LEAVE ME ALONE.

Over the years and all that I have been through, there is no way I could be with a man that doesn’t pray daily.

If God is the cornerstone in my life, the pillar that keeps me alive, I want to share and rejoice in that faith with my partner.

I often wanted to pray on my journey with Mr.Ex, but he refused.

Sometimes I would ask him about his faith, but he had no answers. I don’t think he had a relationship with God besides what his parents expected him to do, and that was to show up at Jumma every Friday.

A lack of a praying practice can sometimes be detrimental to one’s soul; that is what I have discovered for myself.

If we don’t have God in common, then what’s the point in all this?

Moving forward, it is plain and simple if you can’t pray with me, leave me.

If you are a woman of faith, your duty to God is to get closer to him and having a spouse that does pray with you is a blessing.

In Islam, one of the requirements for a spouse is a believing one (one that believes in a higher power); also, when choosing a spouse, you will want to choose someone that brings you closer to Allah/God.

If I have to journey this life with a man, you better believe it will be a man of faith who encourages me to get closer to the Devine, where my experience with him is divine.

I am a Spiritual person, and the aspect of God as Life, Love, Joy and Greif are significant to me.

There is so much power in prayer that I would be a fool to end up with a man that doesn’t pray.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

Actions being a lesson should come as no surprise, but when you are caught up in a toxic relationship, you will overlook all red flags and questionable behaviours.

Mr. Ex was a man with few words and few actions.

I held off on his false promises in hopes that someday the actions would line up with his sentences.

If a man loves you, cares about you, and adores you, you will never have to second guess where you stand with him.

His actions will speak for themselves.

If a man wants a future with you, he will tell you and put things in place to show you.

I say this because I have spent the last four years observing couples and listening to married women, and they all said it was the actions behind the words.

It’s also important to know that if something feels “off” to you, you are more than likely supposed to listen to your gut and take action steps. We don’t get a gut feeling just for nothing.

GET YOURSELF SOME HEALING

Mr. Ex and I broke up three times, the last being the final one of this lifetime.

Living with someone who repeatedly made everything out to be my fault left me confused.

While in the relationship, I started on my spiritual journey. Which leaf me into some very dark nights of the soul.

I thought I was doing everything right by trying to make him happy.

It turns out I was just as toxic as he was to me as I was to him and myself.

I didn’t realize that so many of my childhood traumas were coming to the surface, so many things I didn’t want to face as an adult I had to face.

I was not in a place where I had self-worth, self-love and fuck. I had no clue about boundaries either.

When I decided to take action steps into my life, things like yoga, self-help books, meditation and a few therapists came into my life.

I had many tears along the way, and I will have more to come as my journey with life was never promised to be easy, and I still have lots to learn.

Taking my healing into my own hands and making it my responsibility was my freedom.

I hurt Mr. Ex just as much as I was hurting at times.

Over the years, I learned about his wounded inner child, his lack of self-love/worth, and his toxic relationship with his mother.

As much as I became aware of where his actions or lack of movement came from when it came to our union, I was not willing to stick around any longer to find out if he would see me, love me or choose me one day.

Healing changes things into a better perspective, you might not like what you see or hear, but it changes you for the better.

Resources I use are countless, and still today, I am a student of healing and life.

I believe today that God put me in that relationship with Mr. Ex to bring me closer to him, to inspire me with pain and suffering, to get me to my knees in the darkest hours, praying for change not just on the outside but praying for me to change myself.

After I took my life seriously and learned to heal the brokenness inside of me, my world started to change.

I met new people, I got heartbroken again, I travelled, I laughed like I never did before, and I fell in love with the woman that I am right here, right now.

I didn’t choose to love myself later when things got better; I decided to love all of me the good, the bad, the ugly, the healed, the brokenness, everything.

While goodbyes are never easy, and burning bridges are sometimes necessary.

I made the bold move to end what was never going to work and allow God to step into my life and lead me to where I am supposed to be.

Jack will always be one of my biggest life lessons, I don’t wish him harm, and I don’t wish for him even to be part of my life again.

While healing from a relationship like that can come with much fear moving forward, it’s normal to question someone’s intentions with you.

I find myself being very selfish and guarded with my heart, and I have all right to be, but at the same time, I have to learn to let others in with faith and learn to trust my instincts.

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