As I sat there in my Therapist’s office sobbing harder than I ever had before in front of him, I just let it out, “It still hurts; I am not over it as yet; it still hurts.”
It’s my breakup; I think I am not over him.
We discussed why it might have been hard for me to let go of the pain.
My logical mind was already telling me what an emotional abuser he was, what a total douchebag of a man he was, but my heart ached from the pain.
If it still hurts months after and might hurt two years from now, am I destined to be alone because I have to be fully healed?
How long does it take to get over a breakup, and how soon is too soon to let anyone in my life?
Does it mean I am not over him if it only hurts a little?
LETTING HIM GO FEELS LIKE WITHDRAWAL
In Susan Andersons Book THE JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT TO HEALING, she says,
“Love withdrawal is like heroin withdrawal, involving intense craving and agitation for the love you are missing. You ache, throb, and yearn for your loved one to return. Human beings are genetically heir to a powerful need for attachment; severed relationships do not end your need to bond. Losing your relationship tends to intensify clingy, needy feelings. The emotional tear triggers a psychobiological process that can include wakefulness, weight loss, anxiety, and emotional and physical fatigue.”
I have been through a divorce before, and I have been through a relationship that left me with a busted lip and fractured nose. Nothing prepared me for this relationship with the emotional abuse, gas lighting and stonewalling. Nothing prepared me for the discarding that happened not once but thrice.
Nothing prepared me for what seemed like years of grief from the first breakup.
Maybe it hurt so much that I took him back; perhaps I was in love.
If you have ever given up something, you know what cravings or a slight withdrawal feels like. Letting him go feels like losing my mind, world, and soul.
I know he’s terrible for me; all he gives is abuse or pain. But something is still craving the idea of him.
I sometimes want this loss of him so much that the idea of being in another man’s arms seems promising.
I want anything that will take this craving away, the pain away, the suffering away.
I want him out of my system.
Like a true addict of love, my withdrawals are harsh, they come in and out, and after five months, the craving becomes intense.
This is when I question if I am even ready to date again.
Because I am not fully healed.
NO ONE IS EVER FULLY HEALED
They have much advice going around these days, and I think it’s a marketing tactic to get women to buy their books or courses that we have to be “healed” to start dating or allow ourselves to open our lives and heart to someone else.
No one is ever entirely healed from past relationships or trauma; it is always there with you. You learn along the way how to live with the loss and pain.
Some of us never get an apology from our abusers, some of us will never have the perfect relationship with our parents or family members, and we will learn to accept the things we cannot change along the way.
My therapist recommended 6 – 12 months before starting a new relationship. I agree with him.
It’s essential to take time and process what you went through. You don’t want to go into another relationship with fresh scars and no healing work done to end up bleeding on someone else, and by that, I mean to hurt someone you love.
It’s also just as vital to be mindful of another person’s healing journey when you get into another relationship. Often we can meet people who are just as damaged as we are, or sometimes they cannot handle our fragile state of mind.
In my case, he was just as broken as I was, and I, in the end, felt like I paid for his unfaithful ex-wife, toxic mother, and absent father.
He did try at some points where he wanted to be and do better, but he left me with scars.
Moving forward, it’s comforting to know that you can find a partner with whom you can grow, but in the end, it’s your job to heal the broken parts of you.
DEAR GOD, PLEASE DON’T LET ME GET STUCK!
Four years ago, when Mr.EX dumped me, I was stuck.
My world changed, and I didn’t know how to let go. It was two years into the breakup, and I was still grieving.
After a year and a half, I went to my doctor and told him, “I think something is wrong with me.” I was not over the breakup and didn’t get to a place of acceptance.
No one would believe me when I say, “I cried every night straight for two years.” I did and even writing about it hurts like hell.
In the two years of my grief, I learned there was no concrete timing when anyone got over a breakup.
For some people, they move on, and it’s easy. For others carrying on day-to-day tasks is a chore.
I remember when I would call in sick because I couldn’t be bothered to come out of my bed and face the world.
It hurts when you are stuck.
I want to say that talking to God was the only thing that got me out of those nights and days of pure suffering.
Please don’t let me be stuck like this forever. I need you to save me now from myself; I can’t do this anymore. Oh Lord, I need you”.
This time around, it’s been six months, and even though I don’t feel the same intense pain as I did from the last breakup, I think I need a little more time before I let anyone into my life again in a romantic way.
I will not rush being unstuck or any part of my life anymore. Whenever I have forced anything, it has always hurt me.
This may be my season to be single, to mingle and commit to me, my son and my dog.
My Therapist is right; you can start a new relationship 6 to 12 months after a breakup; take that time to grieve.
It’s also important to note that not because you might “miss” your ex means you are not over the relationship.
We can miss our “ex” and still not want the relationship. We gave them time and love and shared a life with that person. Memories don’t go away so quickly.
How long did it take you to move on from your last relationship?