We have all been there, with our hearts in our hands, wanting the pain to stop from a recent breakup.
I have been there too many times that I would like to admit; while I can say the pain still lingers on some days more than others, there is hope and light at the end when we put the work into healing ourselves and becoming better with pain.
Anyone promising you a breakup free of pain is lying to you; you have to go through the pain to feel the ugly side of love because love is not always beautiful; love can sometimes turn ugly in the most poetic ways.
We are so conditioned to feel better FAST. That is the problem; we have been treating our pain and emotions like a fast-food restaurant and expect a five-star life. It just doesn’t work that way.
You can wish away and visualize all you want, but in the end, the same lesson will come to you to finally surrender your pain.
Recently someone reached out looking for comfort in going through a breakup, and I sat there and wondered how hard it is to be sitting with pain, that I know this woman’s heart right now, and she is all across the other side of the world.
That’s another thing; pain brings people together just as much as laughter and joy.
Upon giving her advice, I felt I had to ensure she didn’t take the wrong direction. Like the ones I have been given in the past.
I have done much reading to know what works for some won’t work for others, and also, men and women prosses pain, loss, stress and breakup differently than women do.
Here are the top five pieces of advice NOT to take when going through a breakup
GET UNDER TO GET OVER
You’ve heard, “Go F*ck someone else to get over him; get him out of your system.”
Why, why, why are we telling women to do this when we have chemical hormones that get released when we have sex with someone else?
The hormone Oxytocin is released after sex; oxytocin is the cuddle hormone. It also gets released after childbirth.
Let me tell you something about Oxytocin; it’s a STRONG ass hormone. We women logically might want to detach, but our bodies won’t.
If you want to avoid more pain and drama, stay away from casual sex until you are ready and have worked on healing from the last breakup.
Sex with a stranger will distract you, but nothing gets done about how you feel about the breakup.
Sex is also known to numb pain, and with any drug, it would ruin you.
Stay away from sex, especially the ex, for at least six months; give yourself time to grieve; it’s a complex process. You need this space to self-love and self-soothe.
This is also an excellent time to get to know your body in ways you haven’t before.
HAVE A GLASS OF WINE
The occasional glass of wine is fine, but when you are going through a breakup and depending on how much your heart is breaking, you may want to stay clear of any Alcoholic beverages.
An alcoholic is a depressant that will make you feel like more shit and won’t disappear any of your problems.
Drinking is another form of numbing, and trust me, I have seen women and men become addicts after a divorce or break-up.
Staying away from alcohol can be challenging as we have it ingrained through media that you need tequila or bottles of wine and a bucket of ice cream to get through your emotions.
We are much stronger than we are let out to believe.
While I believe in forgiveness, it is not your top priority to forgive someone for hurting you immediately; forgiveness is a process that does take time, and sometimes it can take years.
You will eventually get to that point where you are ready to forgive. Too often, I got told that I needed to forgive to move on.
The truth was that I needed to forgive myself first.
I needed to be angry with him for hurting me and used that anger to fuel my life without him and become a better me.
Forgiveness will come; it’s not something that can be forced. The most important person you will have to forgive in the break-up must be yourself.
Anytime you find yourself trying to escape your pain with people or substances. Try a healthier route, like mindfulness, yoga, kickboxing, family time, travel, reading etc.
It becomes so much easier over time when you deal with the breakup for what it is. It frees you up energetically to have more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
You don’t go into the next relationship with hurt because, we all know, “Hurt people, hurt people.”
Then you get to a place where you are free of heartbreak and ready to move on with your life and possibly start dating again.