Before my trip, my sister asked me if I would try edibles with her. I said sure. After all, if they are selling it in a store, it should be pretty safe.

The first night I tried them, I was scared.

I had a horrible experience with brownies that Jack and I made in the past. That high felt worst than a hangover and lasted two F*cking days.

I got so paranoid about the brownies and said I would never do that again.

CANNABIS GUMMIES YUMMY!

First of all, why do these taste so dam good?

I tried them, and I was in love with the feeling of calm they gave me. I always used to judge people who smoked weed, but doing gummies is now a thing for me.

I tried one that I didn’t like the feeling so much. When I returned to the store, the man told me I might have taken too much.

So the best way to start cannabis gummies is to start with the lowest dose and then work your way up. So far, I am still good with a ratio of 2mg THC and 2mg CBD.

Oh, and they have different strains and different things that they are for like motivation, sleep, anxiety and so forth.

I also learned that for you to have the actual benefits of CBD (medicinal), it also has have THC. CBD can’t work its magic until they have some THC.

Look at me doing cannabis shit!

UPDATE

Today I have another birthday party. I am still going through some emotions. I cried last night with all the things I have to face going back to Trinidad.

I am trying to be okay with all the changes in my life right now, and I am also so angry that what I have wanted for so many years has not shown up.

So many thoughts and one mind to handle all of them.

I do my morning meditations outside now with my coffee in hand; it’s something I’ll miss greatly when I leave.

I have been missing my dog a lot too, I didn’t think I would miss her so much, but I do.

I fear isolation when I return home. I am so angry at so many things; most of my anger is now towards myself.

I keep asking myself, “did you think he was going to marry you” “Did you think you both had what it took after so many bad times and last year?”.

I am going through the ups and downs with myself. I have no one to blame and be accountable for everything. But still, I am hurt, and I would be it was a whole seven years.

It really hurt me that he didn’t try to make things right before I left and didn’t come to see me.

But they say “actions speak louder than words.”

That night going to the airport, I wanted to scream so hard. I have a different idea of our commitment to each other, that’s for sure.

In all honesty, I am tired of being hurt like this, and I am tired of allowing someone with so much power to hurt me over and over again, and I am tired of hurting him too.

 I just wish my life was different in many ways.