STEP-PARENTING ISN’T FOR ME

This is not the first time I have been here, wanting to hide in my apartment, not wanting to answer my calls and say, “babe, I am so sorry, I just don’t know how to love your daughter.”

My relationship is slowly dying; for one, it’s going on seven years, and I am no closer to being a wife or mother than I was seven years ago.

He lacks, I don’t know, being a man, or maybe he’s not into me. At this point, I feel like shit for the length of time I have wasted away, to end up fucking 40 and alone….STUUUEEEPPPPSSS.

I think I wrote a post about this, knowing full well that he will move on easy and get married, that I will refuse to be his friend. Read Post LET HIM GO

SHE REMINDS ME OF EVERYTHING I DON’T HAVE

It’s funny how things happen; yes, even “BAD” things happen for a reason.

I noticed over some time now that he would only ask me to go to the movies or dinner when she visits Trinidad.

I am invited to only certain events as his family does not always welcome me.

I noticed this for a while but was desperate and took any outing I could.

I asked him a few times if we could go to the movies, and he said sure but showed no interest. He’s more into my dog than me (that should tell me something).

A few months ago, in my note section on my phone, I wrote, “His daughter feels like a trigger, or maybe a threat.”

You see, it’s not his daughter that is my issue but his ex-wife.

Jack and his ex-wife (good lord, I hope he’s divorced)

LOVE.MARRIAGE. BABY

When I was living with Jack, I told him from the very beginning that I wanted to be married and have another child.

I was very clear about what I wanted.

Long story short, that time living with him was a nightmare, and he was still in love with his ex-wife.

He denies it to this day, but I am no stupid woman. (or maybe I am)

We went through ups and downs. I took him back last year after I went through a hard time.

Even though Jack is trying to heal, he still doesn’t get me.

He still has not asked me to get married. He still doesn’t know when I am hurt, what I need, and He has no idea what foods I like or even what colour.

He did say the only place he had to live was at his mom’s, and he knows that is not happening. (yeah, F*ck NO !)

I can bet any money and know that if it were Reshma (ex-wife), he would ensure he had a proper place.

Gosh, I have gone off track.

Back to his kid.

When I see her, I see all the things I can’t have with her father.

I see that her father will only marry her mother, that her father will only have kids with her mother, and that I am just a bystander. I am just someone he fucks, and that’s it.

I don’t know, but I don’t care to spend any time with Jack’s daughter; I will feel like a fake.

I feel like she, as a young lady, deserves so much more than me, who is unhappy with her father and cannot find ways to love her.

In the past, I tried and almost got to the point where I think I was an excellent step-parent, but not so much now. I don’t want to be a stepparent; It’s not for me.

Here is another thing, I know women out there that love the person they are with, and they know that kid is part of the package and their love goes above and beyond. I admire these women, but I know now it comes with time, and it also comes naturally.

In my case, too much time has passed and it hasn’t come naturally.

Maybe I stood a chance in the past, but I don’t even love Jack like I once did in the past.

Too much time has gone by for me to be still stuck in the unknown of things.

As I finish writing this blog, It’s more apparent that I have to end things between us. Even he deserves someone who will want to be around his kid.