Be where you are
The half-naked yoga guy from yoga class had a saying, “be where you are.” I like the way that sounded.
I sat with the words when I packed up all my yoga belongings and left the studio, knowing I would never return.
Say it with me “be where you are.”
How did it feel to you? What came up for you?.
For me, when I kept saying the words, so many things came up.
Such as understanding that my faith led me to a new way of living.
I no longer wanted to drink, smoke and I wanted to have more respect for my body, and by that, I mean dressing modestly, cause let me tell you, I can disrespect my body in one whole other way with a series of binge eating on all things junk food related, I had also disrespected my body in the past, by not choosing wisely when it came to partners.
“Be where you are.”…………………
Up to two weeks ago, I was craving a drunk night; I was craving anything to help my mind to shut off.
Thoughts from, I am not where I am supposed to be, I am not a good enough Muslim woman, I am not spiritual enough, I am a horrible mother etc.
Pains from my past kept coming up, and I had no idea what to do besides pray.
In my moments of crying and praying, I realized I had a God that loved me no matter what.
I thought of myself as “bad” for wanting to numb out, and I was getting more into my faith.
But that’s life; God will test you.
It’s one thing to “be where you are,” but what about “be who you are”
My journey has taken me in many directions; I went from prayer mats to yoga mats, and some days slept with crystals in my bed.
Now my journey did make a complete circle back into Islam; I learned so much more about Christianity this time around, I learned more about what I call true spirituality, and that is Devine love or the flow of shakti as Michael Singers likes to put it.
I learned how to love God without expectations this time around.
I learned that somedays faith was something I had to try on, and somedays I couldn’t find faith at all.
I learned that Ego was a block between God and myself.
I know now that wronging someone else was wronging God, that if I intentionally hurt someone else, I was hurting God; I learned that just like I don’t get God daily, so do others.
I know now that hurting myself was a disservice to God. Just as Allah is asking me to be kind to others, he is also asking me to be kind and gentle to myself when the world feels like it’s falling apart.
I had my troubles for sure as a Muslim Revert; I still struggle with wearing my Hijab daily, I still struggle with keeping up with my prayers, I still struggle with judging other Muslims and wonder why they are not all God-loving as we are all meant to be. I struggle that I am not Muslim enough to be Muslim, if that makes sense.
Diving back into Islam made me apricate women from all walks of life even more.
I didn’t come from shallow places like, “omg, look at her, look at what she’s wearing, or OMG, she’s a hoe.”
We have all been there, judging each other at some point and saying harsh things.
It doesn’t matter what religion you are, the way your body looks, or your race. Allah has asked me to treat his creation kindly as a Muslim woman.
If God wanted us all to be the same, he would have made it that way.
But think about it for a minute, how incredible God is.
He might have made you a Hindu, your friend a Christian and me a Muslim, and we all pray; we all say things like “OH MY GOD,” God knows what works for you and what doesn’t.
God knew Islam is what worked for me.
BE WHO YOU ARE
I’ll admit that getting more into my Islamic faith and leading a life full of God would make me lose readers or possibly be criticized by other Muslims. I wasn’t sure I wanted to expose this side of me, just like I didn’t want any Muslim people I know. I used to drink, and I sometimes crave a drunk night.
But I sat with it all, and If I can’t embrace what makes my soul sing, then I will be doing an injustice to the world.
If I can’t embrace the struggles this life has given me, I will forever be stuck in pain and suffering.
Whether we like it or not, we are all collectively joined by energy. If I am vibe-ing low in my deen, then I impact all of creation, and the same goes for you.
If I shame another woman for not being good enough or doing too much Botox (I love me some BOTOX, btw), I contribute nothing of value to this world.
STOP TRYING TO FIT IN
I wondered how it would go if I made it public that I chose to live sober and am a Muslim revert.
So far, I either have someone who follows me because I might post a “Sober” Quote or someone who might like an “Allah” quote.
I no longer want to fit in.
I sometimes scroll through Instagram and feel like I need about 20 items, a whole new body, and God to fit.
I no longer want to fit in; I want to do what makes me feel God’s love, I want to do things now with good intentions, and my goal is getting closer to God’s love, even if that may look like staying home eating pizza with my dog.
Seriously, how boring would this world be if we were all alike?
I love reading and doing book reviews. I am strange in all the right ways.
My pain and struggle might help someone or make someone laugh because I tend to be a bit too honest with my blog at times…ha-ha.
While I end this blog, ask yourself what the words “Be where you are” and “Be who you are” mean to you.
Next week I will discuss my fears of moving and starting over from scratch.
I have a Fall Book Guide coming up; you all know my favourite time of year is Autumn.