6 Days Before YTT 500 HRS

“Say, ‘The knowledge of it is with Allah, and I am only a plain Warner’

67:27

Yes, I am still very nervous.

I am more worried about the body pain I will endure from being so lazy these past few months and only decided to get my act together two days ago and commit to my yoga practice…lol.

Funny, I know.

I researched what to expect with training, and everyone I listened to said, “it had barely had anything to do with Asana (body poses) and what they got from the training was more to do with self-acceptance and healing.

One part of me is like, “I am over this healing shit, like can we just get to the healed part.”

The other part of me is like, “I wasted so much time on Youtube. I should have been learning all the names for the poses in Sanskrit and the proper names for body parts.”

Well, I am going in blindfolded, not knowing what to expect. I don’t want to overthink anything because we all know how my mind goes, and overthinking will lead me to self-critical thoughts on top of the ones I already give myself daily.

I WILL QUIT IF I HAVE TOO

Last year I quit my training due to not having support from my dad and work. I work for a family-owned business and have given these people ten years of my life while putting mine on hold.

It’s my fault I haven’t quit the job I hate, and my alcoholic father would not seek my interest with this training as he has done so in the past.

My Yoga lessons are already coming up for me.

This morning my father called to tell me he’s going to the beach house for a couple of weeks.

My first thoughts are, “you F*cking asshole, you know I need you in the office; you know if you do this, you will stress everyone out, and stress is something I don’t need right now.”

I got off the phone and am keeping my cool, but I swear if work decides to get involved with my training and I lean anywhere close to giving up because of a job I hate, I will QUIT MY JOB.

The first thing I would say to everyone the day I quit is, “It was long overdue.”

A job that doesn’t fulfill you will suck everything out of you and make you wish for life to be over more days than you say “yes” to life.

I am stressed for sure; I feel like that has been my default mode for the past year.

Just like Yoga doesn’t only happen on the mat, it happens when you least expect it.

Being worried right now doesn’t serve my mind, body or spirit.

God

So, help me, God, if I have to pray for every hour on the hour to get me through these coming weeks, I’ll do it.

Somedays, I feel like I am asking too much from God, but then I remember that growing and serving God is the best form of worship to my creator.

God wants me to ask for what I want.  

These days instead of a wish list, I pray for guidance.

I pray to be guided on the right path, I pray that I know when something is for me, I pray that my guidance will give me strength to handle hardship, I pray for strength to endure the direction I will be provided, I pray, and I pray, and I wait.

God has been in my life, and the connection has been in and out for me. I think this time around, with the YTT coming up and work still being a pain in the ass. I will not turn to stress as my default, but I will turn to Allah as my guide through prayer and meditation. What I need will come to me because Allah always answers.

ACCEPTING THE PAST

Remember when I said my YOGA had already started.

 Something else came up while writing this blog.

As much as outside forces did help in my desire to postpone my YTT last year, I take full responsibility for my adult self.

I realized that I am still looking for daddy to help out with the family business, but at the same time, I am responsible for me and my life, not him or any other man.

I am responsible for my mental health, and I will be the one that gets me through this training with the help of GOD and others that I do have in my life that has been supportive.

That’s it. Training has begun; I have to figure out how I will incorporate my intermitting fasting with my new schedule.

From my shadow and light to your shadow and light, Salam!