The first time I quit drinking, it was super easy; it was easier this time, too, up until a few months ago.
I try to trace back what is causing this sudden “need” to drink.
It’s like a dam demon that keeps pestering me; it is the best way I can put it.
I found myself having a craving; you know, the desire “It’s Friday.”
I call my craving “It’s Friday.” I tend to use Friday as an excuse for just about anything.
It’s Friday; I’ll eat whatever I want today.
It’s Friday. I don’t have to work out today.
It’s Friday; I don’t need to do laundry.
It’s Friday. Don’t bother to cook today.
It’s Friday; wear yoga pants.
It’s Friday. I need a DRINK.
I was getting the benefits of not drinking within the first months, such as sleep, doing more yoga, and having loads of compassion for myself.
Then what happened? Why this craving now.
I started to notice this craving about two months ago; I feel overwhelmed and anxious sometimes with life.
I really wanted to get shit faces about a month ago and told myself it was not worth it, and I know myself so well that I would be hard on myself and having that feeling of shame for myself would have been worse than me taking a drink at all.
I mean, it’s just one drink, so why not take one, right?.
I have been getting deeper into my faith (Islam), and Drinking is not allowed. I am not sure what spiritual paths allow drinking Alcohol.
I think the challenge comes from having to sit with the uncomforting parts of me.
The other day I went out, and I was terrified that I was around a group of women; I felt insecure and shame that I was unable to make a conversation.
The feeling of low self-worth came home with me.
My mental health has sometimes reached its limit; I am no longer trying to force any situation or outcome. I can be in my feelings but at the same time. My feelings can be a bit too much.
The boredom from my unfulfilling life and job is the bulk of my craving for everything and anything to numb.
It is challenging, but I think the lesson here is to try to create parts of my life that are a bit more fulfilling, understand that all changes will come with a challenge and yes, life can be boring without drinking if you choose to do nothing about it.
I also think with anything, there is a big hype at first; you’re seeing yourself as changed, but you forget that with change does come hardship, with change does make you somewhat naked. You release friends, old lovers, and old ways of being.
The new “you” will only emerge as you stay focused on why you choose to change in the first place.