Einstein is famously known for this quote on the definition of insanity.
I remember Einstein’s saying that when I am back in destructive behaviour, that is not serving me or anyone close to me.
Recently I wrote a blog post about giving up on ever getting married. I know many mindset coaches out there would be like, “Change Your Mindset” trust me, I have changed a lot over the years, and fear still comes up for me in romantic love.
I’ve been burned so much that I can’t even imagine giving someone an honest chance; I am willing to give someone maybe an 80 % chance. Yet still, the 20 % percent I hold back is often the sweetest part of me.
It annoys me when I see this “Mindset” being forced, and it shouldn’t, and we are not perfect individuals.
I feel like we are trying to heal beyond what we see; we are also trying to heal ancestrally.
I concluded that I wouldn’t be looking for love and would let the idea of ever getting married and having another kid die inside me while I carry on and live my life in one of my last blog posts.
I didn’t tell you I was with my person for six years. I gave it all I could; honestly, I love and resent him at this point in my life.
While we both did shadow work, seen an individual therapist, and he has improved, as have I.
We have changed, but the fundamental things I still wanted six years ago, like marriage and kids, haven’t changed. (okay, maybe the kids part might be pushing it, shit I am 39)
I never once said I never wanted marriage; I just said I give up.
My sister always told me that the things that matter to you, the things you want, will never change.
It’s true; it hasn’t changed. I try to fool myself into thinking it can. But deep down, God put these desires in me.
When I got back together with my person, I thought it would be different. I thought I had changed and wouldn’t ask for too much.
But maybe the fights are not as loud and damaging as they once were but feeling lonely while you are in a relationship is still very much there; trying to figure out if this person will ever step up to the plate and marry me is still there, and I have made no progress whatsoever being in this relationship.
The only improvement I made was when I wasn’t in it, and I took my pain and transformed it into knowledge and healing.
I still go to bed every night by myself, and I am still not included in family stuff on his side; I am still very much ignored, and there are no signs of getting married anywhere.
I had to stop him the other day and tell him, “Whenever you introduce me, please do not say, wife, because that is not what I am to you, and It’s insulting to me and my dreams.”
Of course, he did not see it that way, and his sensitivity to criticisms is something I am not sure I want to live with.
I wonder, does he see my longing and ignore it?
It is that I am not good enough for him and his family all over again and why now am I having this intense truth come at me, knowing that if he and I break up, he will marry the next woman he ends up with.
Why am I so confident of this, and it doesn’t feel like paranoia? It feels like I know.
Knowing I get the unfulfilled part, I don’t want to put too much energy into a relationship.
I keep telling myself I have nothing to fear; I no longer have to worry about being lonely because when he left me last year and all the times before, I had no choice but to be lonely and deal with it.
I remembered the night I had difficulty breathing, when I thought I was for sure going insane and life would never be the same that I would never be the same, and I remembered how much I craved to leave and move back home to Canada.
My other feelings come and go, but moving back to Canada, even with all the madness going on there, I still want to move. It’s my calling. My soul is calling me there.
“Go where your soul is calling you.”
Last year we were at crossroads, unsure of where the road would lead us. I told myself I wanted to cheer him on even if it was not with me, and I know now I am not capable of that.
I cannot be his friend, and it’s all or nothing. I will not pretend to feel happy, and I will not pretend to have it all together.
Putting up a front may sometimes work, but we all know that forcing anything or pushing too hard is a hot mess; it’s not supposed to be.
I feel it; the crossroad is ending; I’ll have to let him go because I love him. Not because I hate him, or any wound in me got activated.
I know that someone else would be more willing to live with him and his mother, that a much younger woman would make babies easily, and that another woman would have much more money than me.
I am not fulfilling his dreams and desires, nor is he when it comes to me.
Is this the end, or is this called to mend the little we have?.