Religion can have a sour taste in anyone’s mouth; it can be a horrible experience for anyone going into a new religion. It can also be an exhausting experience for anyone looking for GOD.
If you read my blog on why I left religion for spirituality, you would know that I have been around a few religions and didn’t want any part with an organized religion that had no room for a woman like me.
While some time has passed, I had so much time to read and go through what was a rock-bottom point for me last year, which I thought suicide was my only way out of my misery.
I felt so much pain in my heart last year, and I would say I was maybe an atheist.
I wasn’t an atheist. I would imagine atheists do not have conversations with god.
furious with GOD
When I was walking around just saying I was spiritual, I questioned so much about GOD and what he stood for.
I knew I had a higher power, and I didn’t learn how to connect.
When I converted to Islam a few years ago, and only after my life went in a spiral turn, I was furious with GOD.
All my pain was being laid out in front of me to see; the pain was following me everywhere I went.
I stopped praying on my prayer mat and went all in to the spiritual WOO WOO aka WOKE world. I learned a great deal about the moon, crystals, burning sage and loving my period cycle.
I learned how to connect to GOD before starting my yoga practice, and I learned how to hate men as a part of my healing; I learned how to self soothe, and I learned how to master the art of self-sabotage.
Walking around with crystals in my bra and burning sage was fun, but I was not close to feeling any better; I was only on a path to self-destruct and hated all around and inside me.
Strange as it may seem, as I was searching or trying to preach love, I didn’t think Love existed in my everyday life.
I was too wrapped up in pity, pain and anger.
I was abandoned by LOVE.
My disconnect from everything and the anguish I felt with GOD and my Spiritual practice came from my lack of faith in a higher power. I was preaching that the universe would save you, but I didn’t think it was possible when I was in pain.
I was walking around broken, and I was also walking around with new catchphrases like “the universe has your back” and “manifest that shit girl, you got this.” I might have sounded like Oprah jacked up on too much caffeine.
I used self-help books to heal, but I used them to gain knowledge. I used rituals because they were trendy, and nothing felt as good as praying.
IT JUST TAKES ONE PRAYER or MAYBE TEN
There will come the point on your journey where you will be comforted by your demons, by your numbing tack tics.
Sometimes you end up in the hospital and have no idea how or why you feel fine, only to find out something is wrong, and you need rest.
Or, in my case, my hangovers and binge eating went on and on. Till hangovers took two days and not one when I was skipping out on work when all I wanted to do was lay in bed with comfort food and sleeping pills.
I was in so much internal pain, and feeling abandoned felt like death, and I wondered what kind of GOD did I have for me to be in such internal pain.
I swore off God one night only to find myself in a fetal position, saying
“God, I am not sure if you are real anymore, but I need help.”
The following day after my prayer, I woke up, took a shower cried some more, but this time, the tears were just tears, not for anything in particular of just feeling sad.
My prayers before bed somehow helped me release some emotions, and my heart didn’t feel quite so heavy anymore. It took one PRAYER.
SOMETHING IS MISSING
While I enjoyed all the beautiful things I was introduced to; something was missing for me; something was not resonating with my heart.
I admire those who had a religion and knew God; I felt like something was missing.
I went into a reiki class, just myself and a reiki master, to do my two levels of reiki, so I am certified to do reiki.
I went into the class, not knowing what to expect. The teacher was charming and welcoming.
I told her I was a Muslim, but I left Islam because men made it wrong. Islam has a poor representation of what it truly stands for, all the rights and freedoms women are supposed to have. I told her, “Most people are mistaken; it’s not what the west likes to portray, and sorry to say, men made it this way.”
I proceed to give her some insightful info on Islam.
“Melissa, you are going to speak about this someday.”Reiki Master AB
At the end of my Reiki session, I was told to put my hands in a prayer position and face a picture of a MAN.
The fire inside me started to boil; there was no way I would worship a picture of some Asian guy I knew nothing about. I ended up in that Reiki class because I was desperate to find healing tools to make me not so depressed.
If I could have run out of that room, I would have.
After trying Reiki, Body Talk and shoving crystals in my bra, I still felt like something was missing, and it was my daily commitment to pray to Allah. It was my daily worship to GOD; It was my Daily Surrender.
My teacher was right; someday, I will speak about my journey.
SOME PEOPLE HAVE IT TOGETHER, AND I HAVE GOD and YOGA.
While being exposed to a more metaphysical side of GOD, I got to see and experience some beautiful teaching and also some messed up shit, too, like sunning your butt hole.
While I enjoy a good tan now and then, I do not think tanning that body area will do me justice.
Along my journey, I noticed many things being said which were already noted in the Quran that no one in that WOKE WOO WOO world spoke out.
Only recently, on social media, I have been seeing a positive connection between spirituality, Yoga and Islam.
If you are familiar with Rumi you might have heard of Sufism or the mystical side of Islam.
I took my years of gained knowledge and what resonated with me, and during the month of Ramadan, with my intention to get closer to GOD, I made a full circle back to Islam and found a place to rest.
I found a home with all that I have learned, I found a home again with the DEVINE and just like any relationsionship, I started it off slow, and I fell in love again with Islam, with the spiritual path that I now call my own.
I don’t belong to any set of Muslims; I am my own Muslim. I am and will always be on a spiritual journey, and this time, I won’t question Allah; I won’t second guess myself; this time, I will listen to myself and the love that burns inside me.
While the last time I tried my best to be a part of a Muslim community, it didn’t go as planned and I did not feel welcomed. This time I took things into my own hands and kept an open mind.
I found online study groups for Muslim women, and I found and reached out to a Muslim Yoga Teacher who made it on the cover of Om Magazine.
I know Yoga is part of me and my connection to God, and so is Islam, and if that are my two sources to get closer to GOD, I am keeping them.
The women I have reached out to have been helpful and kind, and this time, I have an open mind, willing to listen and agree to disagree.
Your relationship with God is personal, and it does not matter what religion you choose as a vessel on your journey.
It was Yoga, Islam and Spirituality for me; it might look entirely different for you.
No one should ever dictate how you should love GOD unless you are bringing harm to someone else. Then that is just stupid and wrong.
Remember that this journey is not meant to be perfect, so cut yourself some slack.
When you see things through the eyes of love, there is no way your heart will be heavy.Melissa Mohan