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I gave up drinking in October of 2021, there were two times I did drink during that time, and it was awful enough for me not to want to retake a drink.

Last year with a depression that covid invited into my life and a horrible break-up, I was drinking to numb.

So, I guess in all honestly; I had a problem with the drinking coming down to the end; not because I was a person who could stay away for months or even years didn’t exclude me from having a problem.

While it was easier to stay away, I had this sudden urge to drink again.

This time I ask myself why I need the little sip of far away land.

The answer is loud and clear; I want to stop thinking for a minute, I was to escape, and somehow, I think a one-night bender will do me justice. I believe that forgetting is what I need to do.

I need to forget how unhappy I am for one minute; I need to forget my depression and anxiety for maybe an hour. If I am lucky, I will be left with a two-day hangover that will have me in a state of sleep, carbs, and wake. Repeat.

I want to stuff all my feelings somewhere and forget about them, not to be acknowledged because it just hurts too much.

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Am I an ungrateful B*itch!

One of the healing tools I use is the Gratitude, and these days; I find myself searching; I will wish for death more than the life I live. But at the same time, I know I have more than most, yet I find comfort in what I possess, my lifestyle, and how I view myself.

The fact that I know I have, and yet I am so sour, makes me feel more like shit, so I’m just going around not giving a F*ck.

Where is my saving grace?

PRAYERS, WHERE ARE YOU?

I cry almost every night, and I pray. These days I feel like abandoning it all and weeping.

They don’t tell you that life will mess with you; you have to learn the skill of letting go, going after what you want and letting fear take a back seat.

When I thought about the prayer I used to make for my husband and family, I knew deep down it was me wanting to be needed. Hence while I was always trying to help someone, be the one you come to for advice.

But

I sat there and wondered, do things happen for some and not others cause prayers shouldn’t be so hard.

My age is catching up on me, and I wonder whether this is a midlife crisis.

I can’t be sure what I am going through right now, the depression is kicking in, and I have run out of tools.  

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Do I hope? I have no clue.

The best way to describe it is that I am tired all the time, I want to sleep all day if I can, and I have no desire to dress up or put any effort into my appearance. Hoodies and sneakers would be my options if I had one.

Dam, self-help quotes aren’t helping me.

Did all the years of healing for nothing?

Did I make any recovery if I still don’t find myself attractive, love my life fully, feel low self-worth or is this a step forward to clear out what is not needed in my life?

MAKE IT A LONG ISLAND

When I am craving a drink, I am craving a long island. It’s the only drink I know that has about five different poisons, and it might take about 3 to get me where I need to be headspace-wise.

This is where I am in my healing; I am unsure of everything in my life, freaked out about turning 40 and not being where I want to be, I am scared of the past that comes to hunt me at night, and I am tired of always trying to feel better FAST.

Maybe I just need to feel these waves of emotions.