I gave up drinking in October of 2021, there were two times I did drink during that time, and it was awful enough for me not to want to retake a drink.
Last year with a depression that covid invited into my life and a horrible break-up, I was drinking to numb.
So, I guess in all honestly; I had a problem with drinking coming down to the end; not because I was a person who couldn’t stay away for months or even years, it didn’t exclude me from having a problem.
While it was easier to stay away, I had this sudden urge to drink again.
This time I ask myself why I need the little sip of far away land.
The answer is loud and clear; I want to stop thinking for a minute, I was to escape, and somehow, I think a one-night bender will do me justice. I believe that forgetting is what I need to do.
I need to forget how unhappy I am for one minute; I need to forget my depression and anxiety for maybe an hour. If I am lucky, I will be left with a two-day hangover that will have me in a state of sleep, carbs, and wake. Repeat.
I want to stuff all my feelings somewhere and forget about them, not to be acknowledged because it just hurts too much.
Am I an ungrateful B*itch!
One of the healing tools I use is Gratitude and these days; I find myself searching; I will wish for death more than the life I live. But at the same time, I know I have more than most, yet I find comfort in what I possess, my lifestyle, and how I view myself.
The fact that I know I have, and yet I am so sour, makes me feel more like shit, so I’m just going around not giving a F*ck.
Where is my saving grace?
PRAYERS, WHERE ARE YOU?
I cry almost every night, and I pray. These days I feel like abandoning it all and weeping.
They don’t tell you that life will mess with you; you have to learn the skill of letting go, going after what you want and letting fear take a back seat.
When I thought about the prayer I used to make for my husband and family, I knew deep down it was me wanting to be needed. Hence while I was always trying to help someone, be the one you come to for advice.
I sat there and wondered, do things happen for some and not others cause prayers shouldn’t be so hard.
My age is catching up on me, and I wonder whether this is a midlife crisis.
I can’t be sure what I am going through right now, the depression is kicking in, and I have run out of tools.
Do I hope? I have no clue.
The best way to describe it is that I am tired all the time, I want to sleep all day if I can, and I have no desire to dress up or put any effort into my appearance. Hoodies and sneakers would be my options if I had one.
Dam, self-help quotes aren’t helping me.
Did all the years of healing for nothing?
Did I make any recovery if I still don’t find myself attractive, love my life fully, feel low self-worth or is this a step forward to clear out what is not needed in my life?
MAKE IT A LONG ISLAND
When I am craving a drink, I am craving a long island. It’s the only drink I know that has about five different poisons, and it might take about 3 to get me where I need to be headspace-wise.
This is where I am in my healing; I am unsure of everything in my life, freaked out about turning 40 and not being where I want to be, I am scared of the past that comes to hunt me at night, and I am tired of always trying to feel better FAST.
Maybe I just need to feel these waves of emotions.