TOO EXHAUSTED TO GET MARRIED AGAIN

I have been having a midlife crisis, I feel, for the past two years and more so when I turned 39 this past March.

With my 40th Birthday arising, I feel like I might not want to marry ever again. I feel like it’s too much, I’m too old, and my chances of finding a husband that I have been praying for the past eight years will not happen.

I also prayed for another child and to have a blended family, and that, too, I have come to terms with and let that side of me slowly die.

“I DON’T NEED A MAN” IS A LIE WE SELL OURSELVES

Yes, I used to be one of those women that used to beat her cheat and say, “I am miss independent, I don’t need a man.” Use to think the statement “I don’t need a man” was empowering, and I was a strong ass feminist.

Boy was I wrong; I am not a strong feminist because I am working my ass off, paying all my dam bills and feeling exhausted by life. I am a surviving feminist.

When I got into spirituality, I noticed this trend of the need to be okay alone; I thought to myself, this is precisely what I need to learn to do; I keep finding myself in toxic relationships, and I desperately always required to be in a relationship.

With years of failed relationships behind me, I took my heartbreak as a way to heal myself and parts of my life.

 I would have gone on a journey to discover myself and find things that damaged me as a child and acknowledge the abuse I took as a form of love.

My abandonment wound was deep in me, so deep that my breakup felt like I was withdrawing from drugs.

Besides the breakup, I never came to terms with being so far away from my son and putting on a brave face and smile became a burden to deal with.

 My exhaustion from life doesn’t show on the outside all the time, I have learned how to use make-up to fake a glow, and I have learned that dressing well can through people off; they will never know how you truly feel when you are well dressed and made-up.

The worst message I got in my healing was that I had to learn to be alone to find love or happiness. As a person who deals with abandonment issues, hearing this sends us into panic mode, yet I have spent 90 % of my life all alone, all the time.

I hate when women say things like, “you need to learn to be alone, you need to love yourself first before you get into a relationship, you don’t need a MAN.”

Thanks to these women who set the standards so dam high, I am not allowed to daydream about staying home while my husband makes money; I am now forced to feel comfortable that I am single, oh, and I should love the crap out of my single life too.

Now, look, I believe that we have to get our shit together as women, find parts of ourselves, and heal while we learn and grow.

There is no way to be fully healed before getting into a relationship. We have to take a chance, one I am not willing to take at this age in my life.

We do need people in our lives, and wanting a man in our life is normal. If anything, it’s beneficial to your health.

I AM EXHAUSTED

I wonder if all the pro-feminist women who pushed for us to be just like men considered that not all of us wanted to be just like men. Gosh, it’s tying, and my body is not meant to be this way.

I’ve been working since I was 14 years old; I don’t come from money and grew up poor.

So, when I tell you I didn’t get a chance to go to university (a dream of mine), I had to work to eat and have clothing on my back.

When I got married, I knew it was a mistake, I knew I didn’t love him, yet there I was, trying to create a family of my own, the family I never had.

IT NEVER WORKED OUT FOR ME when I tried to create the family I always wanted; I was always left empty-handed, just like I did when I was a child.

Being in and out of relationships and trying to do life is bloody exhausting. Add some healing to the mix, and shit gets expensive.

I am financially exhausted trying to figure out my low middle-class life while wanting to be rich and well taken care of.

I am exhausted paying all the bills myself, trying to figure out how my son will have a home when he leaves his dad’s house, Exhausted planning for retirement and exhausted trying to buy a home when it is just me.

Some might say embrace the shit out you of being a woman and single…Dude, that shit is exhausting at this point.

I have no idea what it feels like to be taken care of by a man; I have no idea what it feels like for someone to pay my bills, and while I did experience that for a short time living with my ex-husband and I was a stay-at-home mom. My ex-husband made it one of his duty to remind me who made money, and I was practically worthless in the house because I didn’t bring in a paycheck.

At 39 and not married and not even dam close to it, I think it’s safe to say maybe God doesn’t want it for me.

I have prayed night after night, researched loved spells, and even tried online dating at one point in my life. I will never go back to online dating again (read post)

My sister said to me, “you shouldn’t think like that; Love can come your way” I refuse to sell myself some bullshit at this point in my life.

I want marriage; that is what I wanted, not just any union. I want a comforting, kind and respectful relationship. I would grow old and pray with this person, and I want to feel safe.

When I tell you I have done all I think of to find love, to get a husband, I have. Vision boards, praying in the odd morning and night hours, lighting candles and chanting, buying rose quarts, setting up my home for two and nothing ……..tick tock tick tock.

LOW EGG COUNT

My last doctor’s appointment left me feeling like, “okay, whatever.” My egg count was low; I was rolling my eyes, telling the doctor in my head, “tell me something I don’t know.”

I left the doctor’s office searching for delicious Ice Coffee and relief that I silently chose not to do IVF.

I will not freeze eggs and live with what GOD gave me; I will live with the fact that I have one son and do all I can as a mother.  I will live with the fact that some dreams are not meant to happen.

I HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER.

I have nothing to offer anyone; it’s just me.

We live now in a sociality that requires a lot from women; we need to be financially capable now for marriage, we have to look ten years younger than our actual age, we have to be well behaved, and we have to be willing to be cheated on and so on. At least, that is what I am hearing on the outside.

When I think about marriage and what I can bring to the table, I have nothing but me, and it’s unfair to have to invite another person into my life when I am still struggling in all areas of the mine. It would be unjust to partner up with someone for life, and I can’t even contribute financially at this point in my life.

I can be there for emotional support, but in all honestly. I am so scared of letting anyone into my life at this age.

Part of me feels like if it had happened, it would have already.

So that’s it, I guess; no more babies and marriage might be off the table.

How do you feel about marriage after the age of 40?

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

If you have been going to bed alone for as long as I have you would know, that is not an easy thing, its not an easy thing to accept your signle life when all you crave is a warm embrace.

It’s not easy to be single with riddling fear of being rejected and this pressure of the need to be “happy and single.” Sure I have small moments of grace, I am happy, and I love my life to the fullest. But I will not for one minute pretend I am all glorified that I am alone, that I am not married and have no one but my dog to share my future with.

The idea of having someone is excellent; it’s comforting.

But the idea of trying at my age, of allowing myself to dream again is just a little too much right now.

When I tell you I have been praying for years about my love life, I am not kidding. It sort of breaks my heart when I think about it, but again. I have never met anyone suitable for marriage. All my exes have been abusive, and I have also contributed to my toxic relationships.

Maybe I am just not cut out to be a wife, and perhaps it will just be Sage (my dog) and me for a long time.