During the covid-19 lockdown, nothing pissed me off more than the push out there to be productive.

First, I saw a post about taking care of your mental health, and then I saw Influencers saying things like, “You have to come out of this with something.”

Oh my, did that put the pressure on.

I started to feel like I had to get something done like I was somehow failing if I didn’t have some grand business idea or if my blog didn’t get noticed.

That’s the thing about social media; they know how to make you feel like shit real fast.

When my weekends were filled with alcohol-induced sleep, it got out of control for fear of not being or doing what others were doing.

I did the best thing for myself, and I quit drinking and cut my time on social media.

Books became my companion, and my blog came to life.  A hobby or “thing” I just wanted to do.

I honestly feel, that comparing ourselves or taking our bodies into overdrive is the worst thing we can do for ourselves in our spiritual path or path to healing.

Last year in my sober mind, it was loud and clear that I didn’t love the country I live in and hated my job.

This year, as I turned 39, I had a whole load of anxiety that came out of the woodwork. No notice, no trigger that I was aware of, but the pressure was there. Sleepless nights, sleeping too much, lack of energy and a headache won’t disappear.

39 is a big deal because that mean 40 will come next.



I have been crying myself to sleep at night, wishing I did more with my life, wishing I knew what I know now about life, money, family and God.

This is not the first time I have been here, but this is the first time I am looking at all my guilt for not being where I want to be in life. And responsibility for all my mistakes. Absorbing all my fear kept me from trying life.

Fear feels like hell when you see it for what it is.

I have spent all my life trying to be safe, seen and unseen, and fit in and be a misfit.

Searching for my purpose or passion in life has been a dead-end, making me feel like a dam failure.


I wrote in my journal the other day, “God; I am not sure if you love me or HATE me” I wrote this because I am feeling stuck, and I feel like life has been challenging, that I am tired of trying to figure it out, that the world is changing and I am feeling stuck, mad and angry.

What is the point to this life if all I am doing is wishing I am somewhere else all the dam time? Am I some ungrateful person for not always being grateful? Do we have to be thankful for people and things? All the time?

Like, it doesn’t make any sense.

I even wonder if the system was designed for most people to fail.

This guilt has been riding on me, and I found the only way to get out of anxiety is to come clean with yourself, say it out loud, or write down what you feel. Don’t just makeup stuff to make you feel better. Don’t force yourself into feeling something you don’t.

It’s almost like welcoming the feeling and giving it a voice and space.

Sure enough, my week ended in stress, and I said to myself, no, you don’t have to figure it out this weekend or the next, but you have a headache. I think I am acting like I am running out of time and might miss my chance to find whatever I am trying to find.

I needed to hand it over to God, tell him how I felt, and let him know I was overwhelmed and maybe I needed a nap.

My tears fell to my pillow as I Prayed, and at that moment, guilt was not there, but relief that I had a chance to figure it out, and it was not a race but a journey to embrace.

I hope you know that bad days and weeks don’t last forever, and you can turn them over to the divine.

What are the tools you use to get out of a funk?


  1. I relate to this post so much. Guilt has too much room in my life. And I can’t help but wonder why. Why do I feel guilt about living? Or making decisions? Or disciplining my child? The list goes on.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hear you; I think since writing that post, I had to tell myself, “let that Sh*t go.” The mind will drive you nuts with all these thoughts. Some days it’s more accessible than others, and somedays, it’s like what guit I am human, doing the best I can.

    Liked by 1 person

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