It’s another long weekend, and I can feel the sadness creeping in; I can hear the narrative in my mind going on and on about how I should be somewhere else.
Given the opportunity right now, I would run away from where I am.
They say that when you are on top, it’s lonely there; on your way to the top, being successful, it’s lonely.
They have that statement right, whoever said it.
So how does one deal with the constant reminder that we are not married yet, not making enough money, not pregnant, not well educated yet, etc.?.
I am no stranger to my constant mind telling me all the things I lack or don’t have, but I listen very closely to what it is saying, what this nagging chatter is trying to tell me.
I am fed up, even with my bullshit. I am fed up with not getting anything done; I am fed up with staying stuck in the same useless places for so long.
I believe sometimes they do have hidden messages in the negative narrative we sell ourselves.
Recently, it has been where I live; anyone who knows me knows I f*cking HATE it; this is not the life I was meant to live.
Here’s the thing, while I believe in being grateful for where I am and what I have, I will not settle for mediocre. My soul doesn’t pay well with crumbs.
This morning, my breaking point was telling myself, “I f*cking get it”; you hate it here, and your 6-year relationship is going nowhere; I get it”.
I spoke to myself out loud, and I focused on the non-stop “look at how awful your life is; you are always alone all the time.” (FEAR OF MISSING OUT)
We must be honest with ourselves to disrupt the chaos in our lives and heads.
We might not have all the answers but getting so f*cking frank with yourself and what scares you is what you need to make a move/change in your life.
The only thing keeping me back is me; it’s fear of the unknown, fear that I won’t have a partner, yet I feel alone and go to bed every night alone, and I have a partner NOW.
Fear that I won’t have enough money fear that I have wasted my years away being safe.
Acknowledge what your mind is trying to tell you and switch it up; gear up because life can and will be different if you let it.
MAKE IT HAPPEN
I am going to make some shit happen!
It might not be pretty at first, but I want this life to be mine, and I deserve to spend holidays with family; I deserve to live grand, I am deserving of marriage, and I am worthy of being well paid.
So yes, I wish someone would genuinely invite me to dinner, or I had some friends where I lived. I will not be here for long, and things won’t be like this forever unless I don’t change and move; then, it might be a 90% chance that some things may very well be the same.
I have to change, I am aware of this, and I have to learn how to cast fear away like a spell.
Something has got to give, right ?.
Either way, I need to tent to myself, which does not mean playing it safe anymore.
NEW GOAL ………. MOVE BY THE END OF THE YEAR.