I am 39 and I have NO FRIENDS

  • EXCUSES or FACT
  • Two years after, I was diagnosed with Depression.
  • RESEARCH IS A “ME” SEARCH
  • CONNECTION IS KEY

Growing up, I never had a best friend as I was shoved around from place to place.

My upbringing was volatile, and making friends seemed impossible.

As I am approaching my forties, there is much reflection going on.

I am an introvert, but I know introverts with friends. So, what seems to be my long list of excuses? How do I feel about being friendless, and how does this affect my mental health?.

EXCUSES or FACT

  • I lack confidence in who I am as a woman.
  • The older I got, the more self-conscious.
  • I spent years stuck in a toxic relationship and gave those BAD boys my all.
  • I will assume that I spent so many years being rejected that I thought in my core that I was always going to be left, that no one would want to befriend me.
  • All my activities are in isolation: reading, travel, more reading, and yoga.

The above are all facts that sound like excuses.

I talk a lot about mental health and ways to heal. As a dreamer, I hope there is some book to save us, some potion to heal us and some mantra to erase negativity.

When I got diagnosed six years ago with depression, I was at a loss for words.

I was like, “come on, doc, not me. I am used to being infused with stress.” I guess at some point, stress will show up at the doctor’s office, or maybe a friend might call you out on your odd behaviour.

At that time, I had just moved in with my ex, and things were BAD, but I had no one, no family close by (they all live overseas) and no friends.

At this point, I was already living in Trinidad for a solid four years, and out of the four years, I had made no friends whatsoever.

Two years after, I was diagnosed with Depression.

I was getting fed up with how I felt; I was getting to a point where I was feeling my depression. It was no longer just a migraine and a need to take sleeping pills to sleep almost every night.

I started to feel it following me everywhere I went, like darkness attached to me.

I was never given any meds, and I never wanted them.

I avoided looking into my depression for over a year after not 1 but 2 doctors confirmed that my migraines were linked to stress and depression.

Here’s the thing. You have been doing life independently, making choices out of survival mode. A small part of you thinks you are untouchable when it comes to being diagnosed with depression.

RESEARCH IS A “ME” SEARCH

I took it into my own hands to find out what the F*ck was going on with me.

I stumbled upon an author by the name of Johann Hari.

His interviews and Ted Talks made sense.

Here is the link to his YouTube Video.

When he mentioned a patient getting better by getting involved with a community garden, I thought about my own life and how badly I lacked a sense of belonging.

I had no church, mosque or temple; I had no family close by and absolutely no friends.

I work a pretty much solo job and live completely alone.

I don’t think words can describe how alone I have felt, how much every part of my being craved to be in the company of another human or how badly I just needed a hug.

It makes me tear up to write this because silent battles are always dealt with alone; no one knows to the extent how loneliness feels unless you have been there.

Check out the blog post puppy for my mental health.

CONNECTION IS KEY

When the pandemic hit and mental illness rose, I was not surprised.

When you take away human connection, it’s like taking away air for a person to breathe.

I learned that my loneliness would kill me faster than smoking cigarettes and breast cancer with my research.

I learned that one of the leading causes of depression is a loss of connection and a sense of belonging.

We need other people in our lives; sometimes, we push people away because we have been so burnt before, or we may be too busy with our jobs. Whatever the reason, we need a connection to other human beings.

Upon realizing that connection was something that I needed, I did try to seek it. I wanted to put myself out there to make new friends.

But the truth is, it’s HARD as F*ck to make friends at 39.

This is why when I travel to visit my son and sisters I am enlightened, it’s like my soul is being fed for the first time with each visit. The amount of love I received from just hearing my son say”mummy I want chicken wings to eat tonight”. Yes, there is love and connection in chicken wings.

When I arrived in Ontario, my family shows me love in so many ways; my girl’s nights are sometimes me and my nieces or the sisters ordering from Skip the Dishes. Sometimes it’s mom’s cooking.

I am still working on making new friends, and I have prayed about the universe sending me the right people into my life. Sure, I have some trust issues to overcome and even get out of my comfort zone.

My story doesn’t end with a list of new friends; I am still friendless as I was 15 years ago.

I am 39, and I have no friends.

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