LIVING SOBER WK 3:SOCIALLY AWKWARD

It’s week three of not drinking ethanol aka Alcohol anymore.

I didn’t choose to give up drinking because I am an Alcoholic, I was just sick and tired of the way I was using it, that I really didn’t want to end up like a like my father. And it was making me feel very unhealthy.

WHAT THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSE WITH HUMANS NOW , IF I AM NOT DRINKING ?. 

Years ago, around the time I would have converted to Islam (yeah that didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, there’s still hope), and my toxic relationship that wasn’t working out so great.

Wait a minute that is was an understatement, that was a fucking shit show. Someone how I managed that shit show of living with Mr.Ex in a toxic environment sober. Like when I tell you sober I mean f*cking sober, only coming down to the last bits of it when I had to move out I use sleeping pills to help me get a good night’s rest and other nights I used tears. 

Right before I moved in with Mr.Ex I had given up drinking. Drinking at that time was our Jam, the way we connected, just like we connected with junk food and unforgiving sex after a few too many drinks. 

My reasons for stopping back then are not much different than it is now. Back then I was trying to find God, now I just want to be my best self and enjoy life and not numb my pain. As much as I want to numb the most hurtful parts of my existence there is something inside of me telling me I am meant to be sober and free of drinking. It’s like I am preparing for the next stage of my life or journey. One I hope doesn’t have me tied to this fucking 9-5 desk. 

 I often ruminate, that my decline with Mr.Ex back then was because of me not drinking. I just took the fun out of our time together. He stopped taking me out,  so I went absolutely nowhere. He continued to drink and always drank and smoked weed if he had to spend any time with me at all. 

I found yoga when my life was really going to the shits.

Social Settings 

I avoided places where Alcohol was being served and took to being alone as my way of not dealing with my desire to drink and also to avoid assholes at any given cost. 

When you are not drinking here is something that might happen. You might hate the smell of it, you might look at the drinking ones with pity, not that you are so fucking holier than now kinda way. But when someone gets drunk, acting like a fool you wonder to your self “what on earth didn’t I stop sooner “, then you see the drunk and the banter they have going on, speaking loud then you can handle and then your thought switches to “there is no way I can go through this night sober, I can’t stand this fucking human of a person”. 

It’s almost like if you can’t beat them join them. 

Trust me on this one, it doesn’t help when you decided to drink to avoid the anxiety from your need to avoid your intoxicated father or family member. 

Here’s my tip, and what works for me and also has gotten me labels as Stush, Anti Social, Stuck Up, Unfriendly and Buzz Kill. 

Avoid these assholes. As with everything else in your life you are trying to change and be a better human for yourself. You do not try to please everyone else. You never abandon yourself.

So you do what you need and if that means saying no to family gatherings, social events, and staying home every weekend then do it, do you however the fuck you want to do it. 

Do not make up excess for anything else anymore or yourself. You don’t want to eat sugar then say “NO” with pride and stand your ground. You just went Vegan and your family thinks you’re all into yoga and hugging trees. Let them think what they want. Now, when you are trying to be your best self is not the time to explain to anyone why you love and care for yourself. Send them a prayer and let them be on their mary way.

WEEKEND GETAWAY: WOULD I SLIP UP OR WOULD I DRINK TEA AND DO MORE FUCKING YOGA?

I have a weekend getaway planned with Jack. It’s our way of adding deposits into our relationship. Let’s be honest here, we have some serious deposit to make up for all the shit we have thrown at each other. 

However, relationships can work out and we are in the phase of trying with ourselves first, then each other.

Like I said before Jack and I use to bond over drinking. It was our things and still was our thing up until a few weeks ago. I never went to jack and told him I wanted to stop drinking. I did sort of mention it, but I am so tired of always saying I am going to do something for myself and fail on my word.

When Jack and I would get together on a weekend it would be full of just drinking and eating. I have put on 8 lbs since he came back in my life. The last time it was 20 lbs and I blamed it on COVID. 

I thought to myself this morning, do I “lead by example” or do I just go with the flow. 

I don’t trust myself to go with the flow. 

Jack would want to drink I do know that, well I am also judging by all the Coke Zero he picked up yesterday as we were preparing for our getaway. I mean neither of us drinks soda unless we are knocking down a few drinks. 

Jack is also very good at not shaming me for hangovers and does not judge me. He has seen me at my worst and is not telling me the next day with a full-blown hangover that I have fucked up and I drank so much the night before. I have myself for all the judgments and shame.

I guess I love this part of Jack, but I think knowing I can just let loose with him makes me scared that I would drink with him. 

I don’t want to be a Buzz Kill, but I will Lead Me by example and if I fail it’s not the end of the world I will pick myself right back up and carry on. 

Do you find it difficult when you make changes in your life ?. Like setting boundaries, diet, religion, work, money, drinking, the way you dress etc ?. 

A few hours later …

We got to the beach house. The house is messy, needs about three housekeepers. But it’s Jack to the rescue, he’s left me to unpack the bags for the kitchen while he cleans up the bedroom and the kitchen. Those will be our common areas for the weekend. 

Jack brought the wifi box so I won’t miss my therapy this weekend and I will be able to write.

While unpacking I saw the bottle of Vodka and I was like “why do we need this. Am I that bad to hang out with all weekend without being intoxicated ?” I mean come on I thought I was already intoxicating.

It’s not always about me I have to remind myself, and this lifestyle change is not about him. It’s my life and my choice. But it’s so fucking tempting, just like the fried chicken I just had to have today to feel like I am living a little.

Jack has already taken his first shot of Vodka and I have resorted to the bedroom blogging. I mean if blogging is the way I am going to get through the weekend then why not right ?. 

I strongly think yoga, meditation and daydreaming are also a must for me to get through this weekend. 

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