I am 1 day away from a full week, I am not craving a drink as much as I am craving the ability to slap the people I work with and have an intense need to run away,
So far what has been helping me stay on track is staying quiet about the lifestyle choices I have made for myself and my body.
Being silent is not foreign to me, but with thoughts as loud as mine. Containing this urge to cuss or tell it like is challenging.
This week I could have found 10 reasons to drink this weekend, or why I need to take a sleeping pill.
When I sat with myself and asked what was really going on with me, well not much besides a lot of anger that has built up over the past 10 years of my life. A lot of regrets and it’s the same things I just pushed down and most likely numbed out for the sake of not feeling my emotions or really hearing myself.
In Holly’s books, she talks about mothering ourselves and being a woman to everyone else. I think that is what I am doing right now. Nothing is going to come before my lifestyle changes and healing. NOBODY!!!!
It’s like a vow I have made to myself.
I have been trying to heal, for years, trying to lose weight, trying to be the best worker. Etc
I think I have always looked at my therapy as something I just had to get right. I have no idea why I might have thought this way. Maybe it came from me always believing I fuck up at everything else in life, or that I needed so badly to say, “I don’t feel like crap anymore because I say affirmations every morning”.
The truth for me was, I could say affirmations, do more fucking yoga, buy every self-development book and go to tarot readings and still feel like my life sucks and my job is sucking the essence of my soul out of me.
My stint in Trinidad has been anything but easy. It’s still extremely difficult to adjust to the culture and the lack of life and safety I feel on a min-by-min basis is exhausting.
I know at some point I will have to find better ways to deal with my issues, talk therapy is helping a bit, some yoga helps, and I just added lemon water to my morning routine and it tastes bad, but I am doing it anyway because over time, with little tools and exploring I will be able to manage the urge to numb the fuck out.
Have you ever been on a diet, and you get hangry? come on you must know the feeling of being so hungry you have this angry monster inside of you, you’re walking around pissed off until your feed, once you are feed. It’s like it’s raining skittles and you are happy again.
So, this is what it feel like for me this week. However, I am not trying to pretend I am not angry and push that feeling aside and wish it away, eat it away or drink it away, or fuck it away. I am letting it tell me what it needs to tell me.
This week I am angry that I have settled for a Job I HATE that I have neglected my angry side and never asked “Melissa” what she needs and how does she feel.
This week I am also on my moon cycle and it’s a sacred time for me to sit with everything and just mother myself.
MOVING MY BODY
It’s been known that dance, a walk, a good sweat can lift your mood. I need to change up things a bit.
Moving on to next week I will be going into the gym to just use the cardio machine to get my blood pumping and heart working. This will give me something to do in the evenings.
I also have a big trip coming up. I am going to surprise my son for Christmas, then I’ll be off to Toronto to see my sisters, nieces, nephews, brother-in-law and of course my mom.
My mother is like Mother Christmas. It’s one of the things I love about her. Her Holiday cheer is so ever etched into my memory.
I am super excited and happy that this part of my life is coming together for the Holidays