“Many of these uncomfortable and unsettling sensations respond to the effects of a well-known drug—one that is legal and readily available—alcohol. Because alcohol is a depressant, it can dampen tensions and the edginess you feel. Even the most moderate drinkers tend to overmedicate with alcohol to help themselves fall asleep or relax. Since alcohol is highly addictive, it is important to remember that even in small doses it can impair functioning and lead to serious injury.”Notes From: Susan Anderson. “The Journey from Abandonment to Healing”. Apple Books. 8 August 2021 (page 36)
When I decided it was enough, I had my fair share with Alcohol, and I was finding it much harder to tolerate my own fathers abuse to Alcohol. He’s a binge drinker in case you’re wondering.
I had to ask myself this week, what was it that kept me going back to having a drink on a weekend?.
The truth; I looked forwards to drinking myself to the point I would be in bed all day over the weekend. I didn’t have to face the world or myself. I could shut down and go to sleep. Forget that I was feeling lonely, forget all the things my heart was breaking for, forget I even had dreams inside of me.
How did my first week go? Well to be honest it just went, and as with anything else in life. I want to run away more than ever now with all my thoughts and feelings.
Then a slip up happened, and I wondered if I should write about this or pretend, I just didn’t just slip up, but I shamed myself for it. Thank God I have a book that I am listening too that doesn’t make me feel like shit but encourages me to keep going, that no matter what I am 110 percent committed to “ME”.
And that’s it.
Being Social without drinking
Here is something I tried years ago and found myself feeling left out. Years ago, when I converted to Islam, I decided to stop drinking.
Look I have found myself in some very unflattering situations with Alcohol, so when I joined a religion, they did not want me drinking I was all for it.
At the time all the Muslims I knew drank and made-up excuses or pardon themselves for drinking. I get it, the Toxic drinking culture in Trinidad is hard to get away from.
Mr.Ex and I were living together at the time, he stopped dating me because I no longer went to bars, night clubs and got drunk anymore. My cousin told me I should “Lighten up, having one drink isn’t going to kill me”. For some reason I got more shit and smack coming from the ones closest to me for not drinking then for actually doing the adult thing and not drink Poison.
If you find it hard to be in social setting when you have just given up drinking or maybe you just gave up carbs (I don’t know why you will do that, but it’s a thing), or maybe you are cutting back on junk food. It will have its time when you want to cave in, and there might be a moment when you do cave in, but if you can keep you and your commitment in your mind, you might find it easier to control the urge or temptation.
One message that I got so loud on clear recently with all the changes going on in my life from Abandonment Recovery, finding a Plan to Move to another Country, Leaving My Job, dealing with my anxiety/ depression, losing 20lbs, and Living Sober, is I come first no matter what, my commitment to myself is what matter, my goals and dreams matter.
The way I feel matters.
What got me out of my shame cycle on Sunday morning was an excise done in abandonment recovery.
“While your inner child represents your emotions, the outer child acts them out in undesirable behaviors, especially deeply entrenched patterns that stymie your growth. By separating these behaviors from the feelings that trigger them, you gain psychological distance, which empowers your cognitive adult self to take the wheel for once.
It may take effort to establish a clear representation of your outer child. But once you learn to separate behavior from feelings, you can dismantle automatic and troublesome responses to the many stresses you encounter.”
Excerpt From: Susan Anderson. “The Journey from Abandonment to Healing”. Apple Books.
If you’re knew to healing you might not have come across the term “Inner Child”. Trust me when I came across this, I was very resistant. However finally surrendering to this area of my recovery from abandonment has helped me tremendously. My representation of my Inner and Outer child is what helped me Sunday morning . I was the adult taking care of me and soothing all my needs. It took about 1 full hour of finally settling down and tell myself “Mel, it’s okay, you’re going to be okay”.
This is it right, we are going to be Okay, not perfect but okay. Okay is us on our way to GREAT!!!
No matter what you are going trhough right now, don’t give up, but understand this journey is yours and it will take a shit load of compassion and patients from one person and that person is YOU.