When you hear the phrase falling in love, you think of romantic love right ?.
For me I don’t want to fall again in Romantic Love, not the way I have experienced it before anyways.
Falling in LOVE with life is where I plan on being.
Recently with my romantic relationship coming back together, I knew I also had to change some things about myself, but also I needed to LOVE LIFE with or without him.
It’s strange that sometimes we can do things out of fear, and the need to protect ourselves and it’s the very things that once upon a time brought us great joy.
For me one of the things I avoided like a plague was COOKING.
IT REMINDS ME OF HIM
My history with Cooking has been a love and hate one. but for the past 9 years it’s been a purely hate relationship.
When I got married to my ex husband I never knew how to cook. I was a housewife sitting at home waiting for my husband to come home and feed me. That didn’t last very long I can assure you.
Growing up I tried to bake, but the kitchen was just not somewhere I wanted to be and my mother was not very welcoming of us kids in her kitchen either. So as a kid I was thrilled that no cooking was required of me.
I become a MOTHER and the show changed real fucking fast!
No way was Zack my son going to eat anything non homemade, no he was going to eat everything from scratch and he was going to eat lots of fruits and veggies.
My son got three meals a day, all homemade, nothing taken out, and on some days, I made things easier by buying already made pizza dough or chopped veggies.
Soon I was baking and selling, then I was cooking for my Family at the time that consisted of my Ex-Husband, Ex- Mother in-law and son.
I followed websites about food, watched YouTube videos, and took notes on other people’s substitutes for recipes.
You see, the thing is, my love for Cooking and Baking came from wanting the best for my son. I wanted him to be nourished in the best way possible and it was also a time I bonded with him.
As little as 2 years old he was helping me with the toppings of the pizza on Friday nights, For the holidays he was the master of the sugar sprinkles and he was the first one with his first in the monkey bread.
Zack learned how to be kind, giving and spreading holiday cheer with baked goods. I would have him give treat boxes for the neighbours and he would pass them out spreading all the sugarary gooddness we whiped up together.
Zack is my best friend and he hates when I tell him he’s my BFF. But our story is not like any other mother and son.
With most of my cooking done with him around and him in mind, I didn’t know what to do with myself when he and I ended up miles apart. Cooking solely for someone else felt strange, like I was betraying an unhidden mother son cooking code. Cooking for myself wasn’t even worth it for me.
Not to mention moving into a third world country where Grocery Shopping is a disastrous experience. I no longer had access to nice cuts of fish, picture perfect veggies and fruits and there were no more coleslaw or salad mixes available for my comfort, also all the olives I used to buy in FLORIDA, and the wide range of cheese.
COOKING TO HEAL. COOKING IS THERAPY
While COVID happened and everyone was making Banana. Bread for the whole God dam village, I was out buying snacks and sourcing what places where going to be open so I can buy ready-made food.
There was no way anyone was going to convinced me that I needed to cook or bake Banana bread to save my life. Fuck That !!!!
After my break up with Jack and it left me feeling like utter shit. I knew I had to dive deeper into my healing, I knew I had to go back into the past, forgive myself or at least make attempts to.
When Jack and I was together before I wouldn’t cook. I would order because this is what you do with a broken heart, you protect anything or any other memories getting in. You hold on to the precious memories that are engraved into every bit and part of you.
For me cooking, reminded me of Zack. And all our times together. So, I stayed away from the cooking. And I didn’t want anything to do with it. I didn’t want to touch a pot or pan. No, I wasn’t that extreme. Of course, if I needed some soup or toast, I mean I can do that, it’s easy. And., I recently realized I need to get back into it. I need to get back cooking. I need to get back in the kitchen.
I loved baking and Once Upon a time I did love cooking for my family. Now it’s just me. And yes, Jack is around again. It might be months until I see Zach again. But I am going to try again, with the kitcken, with pots and pans. I am going to bring back joy into my life on purpose and with intention.
Welcoming old joy into your life is HARD, it not easy at all, not when you’ve built a great wall from inside you from remembering certain things, not when you purposely do things not to feel your lost, pain or sadness.
But if you have to try again!
It’s intimidating. It can be scary. You’re going to mess up. You’re not as good as you were before.
Its took me 9 years to get back into the kitchen. A placed I once felt I spent most of my days in.
I am rusty, but I am cautiously excited.
I have homecooked meals in my fridge now, Jack is confused as to why I am cooking so much and when I say so much I mean only on weekends…. lol
Saturdays is usually the day I have an online session with my therapist. Shit now that I am writing this, she doesn’t even know I started to cook again.
After therapy I go down to my kitchen, put on some old school music or audio book and I get lost for a few hours.
I plan the meals ahead time, and it’s become excited trying new things. Oh, and I have an Instant Pot and that it a life saver.
Chopping the veggies seem to be my therapeutic part, the organization of the spices and setting the intention that I am cooking with LOVE.
This weekend I am making an Instant Pot Turkey Chilli (recipe on the blog coming soon)
I am feeling very adventurous, I will be making a meat Vindaloo, Nanna from starch, and a Chickpea Masala (recipe will only be posted depending on the results)
Where are you from and can you share a recipe with me?. I would love to try new dishes from different parts of the world.
HAND DOWN THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST COOK BOOKS OUT THERE. THIS BOOK ME FROM MAKING KRAFT MAC N CHEESE TO A FULL BLOWN THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH THREE DESSERTS TO CHOOSE FROM.Melo