Recently I have been working on healing my old childhood wounds. Some might call it old programing. I thought when I was dealing with the mother wound it was hard.
Maybe I gave my mother a pass because she is a female like myself or maybe deep down inside years ago I had already forgiven her and looked at her in a new light.
Dealing with a father wound I think is more difficult for me than the mother wound. Dealing with boundaries and self-worth is really challenging when you start to pay attention to your thoughts when you are around a parent that puts salt on your wounded soul.
My father’s drinking has always affected me. I was just willing to admit it until now.
I have read and listened to countless information on addiction, yet I am still pissed off when I am on the receiving end of an ignorant drunk, an ego-driven man that puts me down in indirect ways to make himself feel better, or when I adjust my thoughts and actions to suit his.
I go from being anxiously worried that he might fall being so drunk and bleed to death. To wishing God would help him and ease his suffering in whatever form that might look like and yes sometimes I think his death might be easier to deal with than this constant weight, shame and guilt I carry.
It’s strong-willed children that don’t let their addicted parents not ruin their lives. I am predisposed to be an addict myself they say because of him.
As a child of an addict, you must be strong, you are not given a choice in this matter. You must ignore the town gossip “You know, her father is the one with the drinking problem”, “oh, she’s got issues because her dad’s a drunk”.
Understanding addiction doesn’t take away the pain it brings into your family. It’s doesn’t take away being angry, it doesn’t take away the fear that something awful might happen.
Yes, you can have compassion for an addict, but it still will have ups and downs. I stop trying to get my father help years ago. When all my attempts were no good when some of them were based on shame. I learned that the user is already guilt and shame driven it made no sense to add more to his plate. I learned that the person who is an addict must want help and change for himself.
If a person chooses to still use drugs or alcohol it doesn’t mean they are weak. Its means this is the way they feel strong, this is their identity.
Most often addiction comes from a source of great pain and suffering. The drugs give you a rush, a feeling of bliss, the brain gets involved needs more supply over time and bam you are hooked.
This morning, as I sit here typing from my father’s beach house. Smelling the salt from the ocean I will surrender my thought, let them go to the sea. Let the breeze sweep away my worries even if if it’s just for minutes.
I’ll be leaving this town tomorrow and I’ll be back home safe. Far away from this drunk.