I am losing it about every other month it seems. I am fucking over COVID.
In January it will make it 2 years that I have not been able to see my son. Two FUCKING years. As if I haven’t suffered enough before this pandemic.
I try to stay off the news in hopes of keeping my mind sane.
It’s me down here in Trinidad and I fucking hate it!!! I always have. But I have never outright said I HATE THIS place. I always felt like me saying that would be I am sort of an ungrateful bitch. Yeah, in our culture if your family gives you something like a job and you are not soulfully satisfied you are labeled as ungrateful. URRR I am having a fucking day !!!
I am on DAY 4 on intentional NO CONTACT with Jack.
Last night my relationship status was the last thing on my mind. I am more freaked out about how this world is being divided, the civil war with the Vax and Un-Vax, how scared I am of not being able to live the way I want to, how my dreams are being dimmed, how I can’t even plan anything because I have no clue when the lockdown is going to lift or get worst.
I have been listening to an audiobook No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life and I started to listen to this book because Jack said he saw this book recommended by Mark Groves. I like Mark Groves so let me listen.
I don’t like to only listen or read from the point of view of women only. I do like to know where men are coming from and what is needed for their own healing.
Upon doing some other reading and listening, I did notice that Men do need to have a brotherhood, but more on that in another blog. I am here to fucking vent…
MONOGUMOS TO YOUR MOTHER
Finally, someone is speaking up about unhealthy relationships with Men and their Mothers. I am listening to the book and I am amazed at how accurate he is with a lot of things. I do feel like the author is a bit unclear on relationships, but to be fair he is not a relationship therapist or expert.
At the beginning of the book, I was like “Oh my God I think I am a nice guy”…I kind of wish the author made a book for women, how to help her partner, and made one title “How Not To Be a Nice Girl”. Then again I think they have a book called “Nice girl finish last or something like that.
Anyways, here it is for me. I am frustrated with my thoughts about Jack. I feel like even with the 21 Days of us getting clear on what we want and need from each other I have so much anger towards him.
I know Jack so well that it might take him a fucking decade to realize his mother is also a problem. That his attachment and faithfulness to her was and still is a big issue in our relationship.
Look I can respect someone’s relationship with their mother, but when you start treating me like your sidepiece and your mother as your wife. I draw the dam line.
I remember when we were living together, I work full time and he works Part-time. I would arrive home from work around 5 pm and he’s been home since 11 am. When I would get home he would be like “I am going to check Mummy”. Every part of me was like “Oh fuck!!!, come on I just got home and instead of wanting to see me you want to run to your mother”.
That wasn’t the only time “Mummy”, got in the way. If she needs to go somewhere, needs anything in the store. He is there running to her beck and call.
When the pandemic hit, he was more concerned about her and never once asked if I was okay or needed anything. His faithfulness lies with his mother all the way.
Mummy also makes sure that he will always need her. Pays for all his expenses cover up his bad habits for him, and always picks up for him never allowing him to be accountable.
I can see now how my straightforwardness can come across as being a bitch or a very unruly woman for him.
There have been so many times his mother got in the way. I don’t even think he has a clue and I am to blame too because I was just trying to make him happy.
Then there is her age. She is 73. She is a very strong 73 as she and her family take very good care of her. I can’t expect him to ditch his dearest mother now right ?. I mean it is not like she does have other children (eye roll, she has two other kids that can help out). But is it fair to ask him to move ?.
I LOVE HIM ENOUGH TO LET HIM GO
No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life has me thinking if I was so toxic for Jack, that maybe he is better off with someone who is more confident, kind, loving, not so wounded.
I did hurt Jack as well, but I feel like I am always the one being rejected by him, it’s always about him and his needs. (pitty party anyone!!!)
I love him enough not to hurt him with intention. That much I do know. I seem to be struggling with what is right for me and us.
I think the fear comes in when I think about the future, I have never been able to plan anything with him. We were living together and even our finances and grocery shopping were separate. Never together.
We were living like roommates.
Now we live in separate places, and he lives extremely close to his mom. Just picture a house and he is in the basement with a separate entrance. I am no different either, my family lives a bit too close to my liking.
Now with this Covid situation so much has been put on hold, even spending had to be put in control for me.
I AM CHEESED
I stay off of social media to keep sane these days. I see people in the USA living their sweet lives like normal and I feel like a damage caged animal. I don’t want to be caged.
I want to be free for a bit. We are not even allowed to go to the beach. Nature the very thing that lifts our mood is taken away. I am done, I am tired of this pandemic. I have no energy. I feel like this pandemic took way more from me than I have expected, now I feel like it’s taken my dam soul, my ability to daydream, my power of belief.
As I am heading into a long weekend, I feel like I need to have some chocolate and just Netflix on the sofa. What else is there to do anyways!!!//z-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/onejs?MarketPlace=US&adInstanceId=3581159e-8742-4bae-b396-b9c06626a6e1