It’s Day 2 on my no contact with Jack in an attempt to help heal our relationship, even if that means both of us are going to go our separate ways.
I am now approaching the subject of healing “The Mother Wound”. I must say this inner child stuff is a bit bizarre at first and I am no stranger to anything WOO WOO.
To get out of my protective comfort zone I decided to visit my grandmother. My insides were dreading the meet-up and I knew I had to face whatever it was I was going to face meeting her.
I was very close to my granny at one point in my life. Until I started to pay attention to the words that were coming out of her mouth. I had no idea that I was dodging my granny because she not only made me feel not good enough with all her comparisons and her view on men was not something I wanted to entertain. Especially when I want to get married and find a partner.
Yesterday, I told myself I am going to make more of an effort to visit her, after all, she’s old and with what’s going on in the world we have to make the best of it.
I kept reminding myself that her views are hers to keep and I do not have to take anything she say’s as truth. The last time I went to visit I was told about 5 times how fat I look and I have “put on some real size”. My last visit was in January and I have been using Covid as an excuse not to visit.
Thank God, I had this chat with myself.
Granny – “Melo do you cook”
Mel – “umm, no I haven’t used my stove in about two months” (I lied I use it about twice in two months…lol)
Granny – “So I guess you don’t want a husband”
Mel – confused facial expression “what do you mean by that”
Granny – “You don’t like to cook, you don’t want to cook, how is your husband going to eat breakfast, where is he going to eat dinner, you’ll never get married”
Mel – Big swallow…deep breaths….slow exhale. Why do I feel the need to defend myself here, I live alone.
Economically it’s cheaper for me to buy food or make salads. That’s not to say I won’t make my spouse something to eat, why does she feel I need to be in the dam kitchen to get or keep a man.
Mel – “ oh, I understand what you are saying, maybe you are right I’ll never get a husband, and you’re making them sound like lots of work, yeah I am good just the way I am”
The conversation went on to tell me to leave Jack alone that he’s a no-good person. That he’ll only hurt me.
Then when I said I want to get married someone day. She went on to say “Great, let him buy you a house and put it on your name”.
“what the fuck did I come here for, like really”.
I caught myself in-between wanting to correct her in her old ways of thinking to remind myself that the program she is running on will stay with her for life. Even when she would chime in and say from time to time “We people have to learn how to live well with one another”.
Granny is still a warm soul, but a hurt one. I love my granny, I know she comes from a rough road. She means well, you just have to take her in small doses.
I can’t believe she still thinks that a man’s money still defines me as a woman, that me being in a kitchen defines me as a good woman or wife material.
Then there is the healing of my relationship with Jack. I have decided not to tell anyone much about our terms of the agreement at the moment, I haven’t told anyone that we spent a few nights together, watching tv and eating good food.
I noticed this time around, that if Jack and I are to work on things family needs to stay out of it, that if he’s doing the work on bettering himself, it’s his work not mine to blabber about.
I know my Granny and family mean well, they saw Jack hurt me so much. I just don’t want to add more fuel to the fire, I don’t want to engage in banter of “He’s a fucking loser”, trust me I did my fair share on that all in my head for months.
Energetically I don’t want to go there, with all that negativity.
As for me not being in the kitchen, I’ll be making my famous pumpkin pie this weekend.