Ever since I can remember my childhood, there is one thing that stands out. It’s the need for me to be silent by my caretakers. It was mom, dad, stepparents, teachers and total strangers on the bus. It’s a hidden message of course. No one literally telling you “Shut Up”, except on rare occasions.
Over this weekend doing some inner reflections and trying my best to get in touch with my inner child, healing my mother’s wound. I’ve been listening to some stories about a friend of mines, the way childhood was for her. What she and her sisters might have gone through as children. On the outside people would view them as Privileged, stuck up, and overrated. I am one of the outsiders who places much judgement on them.
I can openly admit that I have placed a lot of judgment on other people. Should I feel shame for this?… NO. I am human, and I am also learning how to be a better human.
Today it got me thinking about my own family and our hidden secrets. You know the ones no one really speaks about, the ones where you might have been told: “Don’t Say Anything”.
Maybe we were given these messages to keep us safe from family shame. But who’s benefitting from this and how much damage has this “Hush, Don’t Say Anything” really work on healing from psychological/spiritual abuse.
I know of women and men who were sexually abused, emotionally abused, and physically abused by family members and were told not to say anything, because it would look bad.
I have an alcoholic dad, growing up it wasn’t something we spoke about. Instead, it was a game of hiding, suppressed your emotions, don’t tell anyone to know how you feel and don’t let anyone know how dysfunctional our family really is.
My Parents had a very toxic relationship and with the transition from their divorce, my sisters and I got the message loud and clear. Don’t say anything to anyone and you have no point of view in this matter and don’t you dear go to school saying your sad or unhappy. Saying and having feelings meant you were going to get your parents in trouble, you might be taken away, and it’s a family matter we just don’t get outsiders involved.
It’s time we break this cycle, it’s time we make healing our wounds a priority and bring vulnerability back and chill the fuck out with the ego already!
These were not just messages from mom and dad, but grandparents as well. I was running on a broken system with outdated policies. Not a policy meant for an empathic soul, it’s no wonder I was always falling sick as a child and my teenage years were of me being as rebellious as any torched soul can be.
In my experience, family deeply enrich with culture and religion have the most secret you must keep. The meaning of family isn’t healthy communication, healthy bonding, Words of affection, honestly, or liberation. It’s more like a WAR, and it’s our own allies who dismantle us.
Instead, you are told to walk a straight line, be as perfect as you can be. Don’t be too expressive as a woman or man. If you are a woman and you’re expressive you’re a bitch and the talk of the town, you’ll bring the family down. Whatever you do, don’t ever let the family name go down.
What would people think or say.
SPEAK UP !!!!
How can we parent, teach, work, and pray differently now?. How can we now change generations of an outdated program ?.
Can this suppressed expression be the leading cause now of addiction, mental illness, failed marriages? (YES)
Let’s be honest here, even here in the west, we are still afraid to say if our husband or wife is abusing us if our kids are falling behind in school. We just not only have a name to live up to, but we have an image. It’s the whole point, right?
Our system is broken and in the first time in history we have more unhappy and disconnected humans walking around.
I think we need to start having honest and open-ended conversations with our loved ones, make it okay for both men, women, and children to be vulnerable. Have an open-minded dialogue.
Leave the shame out of it.
Chose to be “Hushed” when you know the other person is not capable of receiving your vulnerability. Just like Brene Brows says” Not everyone deserves your vulnerability.
Acknowledge that women/girls are not the only ones that are wounded, broken and damages. We have thousands of men walking around today with the same pain, some even more.
When it comes to the older heads of the family, we need to start asking questions. Why did they see things a certain way, what messages were they told as a man/woman to be okay with addiction, abuse, betrayal, or neglect?
Will we ever as a human race ditch Toxic and embrace Vulnerability and Healing. Or do we need it for Evolution?.
We were never meant to be perfect none of us are or will ever be and that is something we have to keep in mind.
IT STARTS WITH YOU
No matter what you are trying to accomplish in life, it will always start with you. Maybe you want to make an impact on Climate Change, Help Rape victims, End Domestic Abuse, Help Men be more vulnerable, etc. Nothing is ever going to change in this world or in our families unless we decide to change first.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
I could be coming off angry here, I am aware of my tone, but this is what healing is. Noticing the rage I have in me built up of decades of suppressed emotions. Just by me being aware, I can now put these emotions onto paper, and not project my pain onto someone else.