Jack and I have agreed to take 21 days for self-reflection. To find out if our relationship is worth saving. Or if maybe we have come to a crossroad where we take separate paths wishing each other the best every step of the way.
I wish I could tell you ahead of time if this is going to hurt in the end and the thought of knowing it might hurt is making me tear up.
I have had enough with rejection, and I wonder, does he still have one more rejection for me or will I reject him?
Am I so conditioned to expect the worst that I am not even giving the thought of us coming back together better than before possible?
It took Jack 20 Days to show up at my door when I finally let go and accepted the break-up. (Check Blog Post **** for the Journal Prompts that helped me)
It is fair that I even allowed him back in for a bit after the turmoil he put me through?… I have no answer.
But he did catch me at a time where I was moving on with life, where I was still exhausted from the relationship. I had no more in me to fight, cuss or pout with him. My 21 Day NO CONTACT did exactly what it was supposed to do, help me heal, put my energy towards myself and learn from my pain. His showing up was just a bonus I guess…verdict is still out.
Jack and I have 6 years of history. Not all good and not all bad. We finally got to the point now where we are choosing ourselves over anything else, but we still love each other.
Can Jack and I make this work after all that has been said, not said, done, and not done?
I mean in my turmoil stage I called his mother disgusting. (oh Melo, you really need to learn how to put a lid on it at times…. for God’s sake your mother raised you better than this).
Part of me feels shame from my pain, the other part of me wants to show up, own my crap and move on together and the other part of me wants to runway, forget him and his family.
I always hear about bad in-laws, but what about in-laws that never gave you a chance, to begin with. (I am cringing, this is enough for me to run away)
I will have to do a new journal entry now for these 21 days. I have a few things to get clear on.
Now would be a good time to finish my love map.
I don’t want to choose someone again out of my wound. That I know for sure.
I could have taken the easy way and just jump right back in, say all his sorry’s for him and myself. But I can’t do that this time around. The pain is still fresh and so many unanswered questions.
There won’t be any logic in just having him around just for the sake of being lonely. Truth be told I am still crossed with him a bit, where was he when I needed him, and who’s to say he won’t run again.
It’s the chance we take right? on LOVE and LIFE?.
I also know I don’t want to hurt him any more than I have.
21 DAYS OF SELF REFLECTION (HEALING COUPLES)
Here is something I plan on doing to get me closer to clarity.
· Book my appointments with my therapist once a week.
· Absolutely NO DRINKING (Don’t even think about it)
· Get Active. (Yoga, Walking, Dancing. Anything that moves my body)
· Sleep (try my best to get some proper rest)
· Take “ME” out on two dates (I know right like one isn’t enough, don’t worry there is a method to my madness)
· Write out new journal prompts for the next 21 days. Questions that will have me thinking and feeling.
· Meditation (7 mins every day, no excuses)
· Complete my LOVE MAP (Vision Board for Love) I will be doing mine digitally. I will share once it’s completed.
· I will stick to one Self-Development book, and I am going to dive into some Fiction. (It’s called Balance)
· Write in my Journal all the positives and negatives in the relationship. Pause for a moment and look at it all. Ask myself were the bad times as bad as I say they were or was I being mean, cruel, and insensitive. Maybe I was but was something triggering me. Is the Bad stuff just a deal-breaker and there is no Fucking way what he did or didn’t do was acceptable? I don’t want to make up excuses for either one of us.
· Look at the GOOD SIDE. We love each other “Yes”, but is it enough? But how is it this connection keeps coming back together, what is it about him I love so much, and how can we grow together should we decide to make it work.
· Personal Goals: I need to get more clear on my personal goals, see If they are aligned with his at the end. But mostly for me. I am a big dreamer and I need to start living some of these dreams. Starting this blog was always a dream. But I need more juice in my life if you know what I mean. Still having issues with making connections.