I am confused that is for sure. The only thing I seem to be sure about these days is that I am confused.
Not the confusion that came with the break-up, heartbreak, and grief.
Not the one where I was crying constantly and in physical and emotional pain.
This confusion is different.
Almost feels I am being tricked, like I want to feel but so scare too.
After what I went through with Jack, I didn’t think he was going to come back to me, I thought he had forgotten me forever, I also thought he just hated me.
Turns out he was not cheating; words were exchanged in an attempt to hurt me. I don’t hold it against him, I did the same to him too.
Jack is hurt just like I am, I can’t measure his pain I can only do that for myself.
I am scared of Jack coming back into my life.
After our break-up, I did a lot of reading and looking inwards. They have some parts of me I am so shameful of, but I’ll call it Positive Shame. Looking at ourselves is hard work. I had to be honest with myself about playing the victim role at times. That I had no clue what my emotions were telling me, how my body shut down in an act to save itself.
Jack started to see a therapist about 6 weeks ago, he’s been listening to podcasts, reading books, and praying. I am shocked by this new Jack. In the back of my mind, I am holding onto the anxiety and waiting for the imposter to show itself.
I’ve always wanted a man that is doing “The Work” (self-improvement, healing, and spirituality).
Jack is doing “The Work”, yet I am still very much scared.
I have suggested to him that we take 21 days apart, no phone calls, no text, nothing. To really sit with ourselves and do some inner reflection.
The first break was the break-up, and I did not handle that very well. Just as I was feeling a bit better, he came back in, showed up at my door.
We are at a crossroad now, he and I holding on to love wondering if we will take our paths together or separately.
Some roads are meant to be traveled alone and some are meant for a plus one.Melo
I have done a lot of thinking this weekend. For one Vodka is not for me, I do way too much stupid shit on Vodka. Like the time I messaged Jack’s mom and basically told her off. (What the fuck was I thinking).
I want to live the rest of my life SOBER.
I asked myself this weekend why do I really drink. I am not one to just have a few and put it down. I never drink because I need a drink.
I was drinking to numb, to sleep, to forget!!!
Why is numbing so easy or maybe convenient? Maybe because drinks, food, and chocolate will be there when no one else is around.
Loneliness can truly be a fucking son of a bitch!!!
Is it possible for me, never to drink in my life again …? I have no idea. But I’ll start with the desire and then action.
We live in a world obsessed with drinking. We drink at work events, lunches, book clubs and weddings. Yet no one ever questions alcohol’s ubiquity. In fact, the only thing ever questioned is why people don’t drink. It is a qualifier for belonging. As a society, we are obsessed with health and wellness, yet we uphold alcohol as some sort of magic elixir. It is anything but.
When Holly Whitaker started to look for a way to recover, the support systems she found for recovery where archaic and patriarchal. Urging drinkers towards a newfound humility is great if you’re a man, but if you’re a woman and not in a position to renounce privileges you never had, a whole other approach is needed.
Honest, witty and trenchant, Quit Like a Woman is at once a ground-breaking look at drinking culture, a call to arms, and a celebration of learning how to claim everything life has to offer.
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