I can’t be sure if my research is leading me to be an interesting blogger or finally making me accountable. Dam the ugly parts of me are not so nice.
What do you do when your relationship has failed, trying to save it, trying to heal yourself because suffering is just not an option anymore and you have no other choice but to change?
You dive deep into reading every book you can find, you listen to relationship/Self-improvement advice by men and women who have suffered just like you, who found a way out, maybe you want to get better with money, so you watch all the entrepreneurs that made it and gain advice. As someone once said, “Me search is Research”.
When the time came for me to do some more inner work on myself, I went into victim roll. It’s normal. He did me wrong, I was rejected, my ego was bruised. I followed some posts on breaks ups, geez I tell you those little quotes can get you out of a bad mood fast, make you feel like that asshole just lost the best thing ever. (he did by the way ..wink, wink))
“I didn’t lose you. You lost me. You’ll search for me inside of everyone you’re with and I won’t be found.” —R.H.Sin
There, will come a point when you have to realize that if I held on to childhood trauma if I attracted my partner based on unconscious beliefs, the partner I attracted was both a reflection of my good and bad programming then what does that mean for him?. How did I show up for him, what parts of me projected the trauma he had as a child, what in me was triggering him to shut down.
I realized I was not to feel sorry for myself anymore. I had some ugly parts about myself that I was not so proud of. I knew I had these ugly parts we all have them. We are not perfect we are not meant to be perfect.
What if the end of my sword was really sharp (you know the unhealed parts). What if I hurt him too, I knew at one point I did with my words, I’ve always been told my tongue was sharp. But what if it contributed to my ending. If I had to make a wild guess it did. No grown man wants to hear me cuss trust me! I will dismantle you faster than you can even get your thoughts together, My words will cut sharp leaving you bleeding for days on end.
Now, this trait is not a reoccurring thing, one I tend to use when I feel helpless. It’s still not an excuse to hurting anyone or being out of control with my emotions. Something I am working on. (LORD, Please change me to have more control over the words that come out of my mouth, Thank you Amen).
Sometimes we are dancing with a double edge sword. Two people in a power play, people fighting for survival, two people trying to protect themselves the only way they know-how.
“Pain makes you stronger, fear makes you braver, heartbreak makes you wiser.” —Drake
How DO WE CHANGE THIS TOXIC TANGO ?.
To change this toxic tango we do self-discovery, we have open communication with our partners, maybe reach out to an ex and ask them, what was it in me that bothered you or why did you lose interest or pull away. Sure this might be uncomfortable. But it can give you an insight into what you were projecting on to others.
Recently with my reading, I am not only looking at it from one point of view, I am looking at it from both sides. I will admit this is uncomfortable, especially when you were the one that was rejected, you don’t want to hear a list of individual defects about yourself, you already feel like shit.
I don’t think it’s possible to heal or improve if we don’t catch a glimpse of how we are showing up with our partners, family, friends, work, etc.
“Ever has it been that love knows not its own death until the hour of separation.” —Khalil Gibran
I imagine my last relationship with Mr.ex as both he and I did love each other. We were both battling an internal war of unhealed wounds loving each other with the one double edge sword in hand, both looking like we have been in a war because we have been with each other and ourselves. With every battled we had we came closer to the sword cutting our own selves, some days the other one is pulling towards us, but the swords only cuts us more. The way we expressed love and self-esteem was unhealthy. We didn’t know better. How could we have known, we weren’t actively doing the work to be self-aware.
I will never shy away from being accountable, but it sucks sometimes to admit I was an asshole too. It was much safer telling myself that he was the bad guy and everyone just leaves.
I feel like when you get to the part where you are discovering traits/reactions about yourself that might make you shake your head and ask yourself “what the fuck were you thinking when you said this or did that”. You have to embody compassion for yourself and forgive yourself for past mistakes. But don’t just go oh sorry I didn’t mean to do that, really mean it. Even if you don’t get a chance to tell them. Mean it!!!
TAKE YOUR TIME
We might use “I am working on myself” as an excuse to avoid connecting with others. But it is important to take time for yourself to do self-discovery.
Someday a partner will come along and be aligned with your values and goals. You can’t go out searching for something you have no idea what you’re searching for. You’ll end up with the same shit you were trying to avoid or worst.
When that person comes along you continue with your healing together and apart. It should now be a conscious relationship. I hold space for you, you hold space for me and we come together. There will be ups and downs, but it’s how you show up, how we show up as a partnership. (turn towards each other, not away)
But life is so much sweeter with someone by your side right! Let’s not forget all the amazing sex you can have in a healthy relationship.
It is possible to save a marriage or romantic relationship, yes! but both people have to put in the work. Otherwise, you’ll never be aligned, on the same page, or if only one person is putting in the work, it will crash at some point.
So if you have a relationship you think is worth saving I say go for it, but give yourself and the relationship some breathing room and be committed to doing the work necessary for the outcome you want to achieve. As with any other goal or destination in life you have to embody the identity you want to become.
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