MY HEALING IS MESSY

BE KIND

 

I have been sitting with these tears since Saturday. On Saturday I got an email from Jack (ex), I opened it saw it was nothing good. So I put his email address on block and reported it as spam. 

I cried tonight! The email hurt me. 

What I gathered from the email is that he seems to think I am seeking comfort from an ex that I had an abusive past with, that I am not healing, I am lying, I cheated. Went as far as to give me a jab about if “am I still seeing my therapist”. Then proceeded to tell me he feels sorry for me. 

Maybe it was his words, but it hurt. 

Because no one knows what I have been through on my journey, how many times I have had to pull myself out of dark nights, pull my shit together when I didn’t want to live when my depression was so bad. 

Why do people think when you are healing, that it’s some kind of Zen shit and you are expected to be like Mother Teresa or something God-like. I am not God, never plan to be. It’s not my goal. 

I had finally let go like he wanted me to, I walked away for good as he asked of me. It was painful as hell, but I did it. 

Maybe his email reminded me of the times I needed his support and I got punished for not being what he expected. 

I don’t think it’s fair. 

“PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE”

I refused to hear when people tell me “People don’t change”. That implies to me that there is no room for growth for me to change as well. 

It’s not right for anyone to be judging our personal growth. That same ex that he was referring to has said so many sorry’s I can’t count and will never be with me again in a relationship. Yes, he busted my face open, yes, I did love him, yes he and I know he made a very big mistake, that cost him his love for me and mine for his. 

It took me years to forgive that ex, it took me understanding that he was never allowed to be with me again as he crossed a big limit. I can speak with him today and be open with him, but he crossed a line and I’ll never forget it. I have a scar on my lip because of what he did. 

What I don’t need is someone reminding me of that day, of how someone I loved hurt me, like so many others before and after. I don’t need to relive it or be reminded about my abuse. It’s my story, let me talk about it if I so, please. 

I don’t think me forgiving the ex that busted up my face indicates that I am not healing. If anything, I should be given an award. It’s not easy forgiving someone who hurt you, but the weight of the resentment wasn’t worth it for me holding on to, so I prayed every night until the day I was truly willing to forgive him. 

HEALING IS MESSY

My healing journey has been messy, I won’t ever sugar coat it and say I am all better or fixed. I am not. I am learning as I go and the pain that comes with this process is not kind, but it does bring me closer to awareness. 

As my tears have slowed down with writing, it’s coming to me that it might have just hurt really bad, because instead of saying “Hi, I hope you are doing well”, I got beat down with judgment in my process of healing. I was questioned if I am seeing a therapist as a jab to imply something is mentally wrong with me. 

Just disregarded me as a fucking human being again. 

It fucking blows my mind, how Jack could have seen me in pain, I called out to him, begged him to make it work, and after I do what he wanted I am still a fucking problem. Does this man not realize I am a woman, I am human and I have feelings too?.

I did not respond to that email in case you might be wondering. I have no idea if he sent more as now all goes to junk mail. 

I never like the woman I was when I was with Jack, I was insecure, in pain, my anxious wounds were getting the better parts of me. I was erratic, manic, obsessive in fixing everything, and a crazy lady. I got out of hand, and I allowed my trauma bonds to take over in the end.  That email was triggering for me.

Fucking EH !!!!

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