I am still having sleepless nights. I am wide awake most nights at 2 am. With the usual pattern of toss, turn, YouTube, toss, turn, kindle, etc.
Something has been on my mind, I am a bit upset about it, but like Tony Robbins says, “Get yourself a new blueprint”.
When our relationships fall apart it’s more than just the dream you had with that person. Your dream can look like getting married, vacations together, buying a home, growing old, starting a business, havening a BABY.
All those things seem so great when you know you can move on and have it with someone else. UNTIL…. You’re me.
Years ago, I knew I wanted to have another child, I never held back from letting Jack know about my dream. Due to my medical history, I have been told my only option is IVF.
I remember reading every blog post, watching everything I could have on IVF. But it never happened. The money never came in at the time for it. He made up countless excuses of why we couldn’t do it and years just went by until I am 38 with a low egg count. I even tried to manifest this situation into reality.
It just never happened.
I try to tell myself “God didn’t want it to happen”, to make myself feel better about my dream not coming to fruition.
On one of my recent visits to the doctor, he told me I had to act fast with the IVF if another child was truly what I wanted.
I don’t want to raise a child in Trinidad, I don’t have a spouse at least with Jack my dream was somewhat alive or seemed possible and no matter how many times it seemed I was getting closer to IVF.
It just never happened.
I thought about how unfair my body is to me as a woman. Jack can now have another child with someone else no problem, but not me.
So, what do I say to someone now when I get asked “Do you want to have more children” Having kids is still possible for women my age, so the question might be asked on a date.
Many women today are having babies in their forties.
If it was three years ago, I would have happily said “yes”, I do want more kids.
It really does sadden me to know the dream of having that family with 2.5 kids is not going to happen. It makes me furious that I spent the years wasted with Jack when I was in my childbearing years.
I don’t think some men get this part of a woman, the longing for another child. Or how her body turns on her when least expected. How not only did we lose the relationship, but we now have to say goodbye to dreams we held dear to our hearts.
I can’t go around anymore wishing on a star. So now when I get asked “Do you want more kids?” my answer is a hopeful “no”. I say hopefully because God has already blessed me with one child, I am living in a very uncertain world right now, and some dreams are just meant to die for a better life to emerge. (Look it’s what I am selling myself right now to feel better, remember NEW BLUEPRINT).
Here it is again, another lesson of surrender, of letting go and going with the flow.
On the upside, I can finally do my mummy makeover I was holding off on because I thought I was going to have another baby. I will now just love the fact that my family is just Zack and me for now. I will travel, I will eat, I will have great sex, I will be the dam best businesswoman I know how, I will do life to the fullest. No more wishing on a star for a baby.
Maybe in another life or maybe in another Miracle. Bye, Bye Baby!