ABANDONMENT GRIEF : WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THE BREAK-UP

If you’ve been following my blog you’ll be tuned into my last breakup. 

Short history: dating, moved in together, Islamic marriage, kicks me out, get back together, propose (engagement), dumps me, I find out he’s was cheating the whole time. 

Relationships and LOVE are beautiful experiences with the right person. We take a risk when falling in love or trusting someone with our hearts.

MELO

SHATTERING

Why did it hurt so much more this time for me? I was dumped by him before? And what I couldn’t put my finger on as I was already years into my healing, doing therapy, yoga, breathwork, meditation, reading on self-help and spirituality, dam I was already labeling myself as co-dependent and abandonment issues. The pain was excruciating.

Love withdrawal is just like heroin withdrawal, involving intense craving and agitation for the love you are missing. You ache, throb, and yearn for your loved one to return. Human beings are genetically heir to a powerful need for attachment; severed relationships do not end your need to bond. In fact, losing your relationship tends to intensify the clingy, needy feelings. The emotional tear triggers a psychobiological process that can include wakefulness, weight loss, anxiety, and emotional and physical fatigue.

SUSAN ANDERSON

I have been active in my own healing long enough to pause at times and ask myself where is this fear or anxious behavior coming from, even with Mr. Ex I stopped to think about what I knew about his childhood and how hurt he must have been as a child. I tried my best to understand what to make of the madness I was experiencing emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I was going into therapy after every fight thinking everything is wrong with me. 

I knew getting back together with him was a chance, a big risk given his past efforts and failures towards me, I was already verbally and emotionally abused by him, so I did go in with fear. 

Around the time of us getting back together, it was when the Pandemic started, we were in lockdown and I had just started talking about my son in Therapy and the guilt I feel for moving to Trinidad. Emotionally I was all over the place. 

I should mention that when Mr. Ex came back in he did do the classic Narcissist/Avoidant move on me and it was the “Love Bombing”, of course until he got tired and needed a new supply.

With all this knowing he was an asshole (okay not the ONE)  and tools in my healing bag, for self-love and compassion. I found myself desperate, needy, wanting to end my life due to such emotional and physical pain. I couldn’t explain to anyone what I was going through, I thought I was two stones away from the dam nut house or driving myself over a cliff, I was scared of my own self, my behaviors were so erratic. My body was running on Caffeine and Rage. 

I had already known 12 days after he proposed that it was going to end, I knew it in my gut when I went on Facebook and saw that still after the 6 years and the Engagement he was still hiding me, still holding on to his Ex-Wife. I so badly wanted to believe that this wasn’t the case, but I was faced with the truth. That’s when my anxious behavior started to kick in. I also HATED the way he proposed like “here’s the dam ring you wanted, blah blah blah, let me just get it over and done with”.

Slowly, I became my own worst nightmare and I am sure his too. 

I tried expressing my needs, using “I”, looking for the positive in him. Even started to make a list of positives to trick my mind. What I told myself I was doing was saving my 6 years of hell. What I was actually doing was delaying the elevatable of the relationships DEATH out of  FEAR. I was afraid again of being alone. I was already lonely, I spent all weekends by myself, but the idea of it really ending terrified me and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. 

I HAD NO ANSWERS

I couldn’t take it anymore and I did something so bad to myself. I ended up cutting myself to relieve my pain. I wanted to die but didn’t have the guts to do it. I really just wanted the pain to stop. I fantasied about death because inside I was dead, I was lost, I felt like my soul had departed. I no longer knew who I was or where I was going. I became a child at night, crying from the pain, rocking myself to ease the pain, my chest pained constantly, my body was fragile, and my faith was nowhere to be found.

I drank Vodka to numb the pain, and even that didn’t help. 

I booked a session with a physiatrist and he basically boiled it down to emotions with a break-up and I am strong so just deal with it. I never went back to see him. (NO, YOU IDIOT, YOU DIDN’T EVEN ASK ME HALF THE QUESTIONS YOU SUPPOSE TO).

I went from one-weekend binge eating to now not really eating. I’ve lost my COVID weight as a plus, almost 20lbs. Presently food is not something I moon over anymore, it’s just there. Not sleeping and not eating are still an issue for me to this day. Fucking COVID right! 

 In fact, the stress of heartbreak and loss can trigger weakness of the heart muscle, a condition known as Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, also dubbed broken heart syndrome. Believe it or not, taking aspirin (and other heart medications) is known to help with heartbreak in some cases.

SUSAN ANDERSON

I share this with you because you might be going through a loss right now and thinking your emotions are not valid, overreacting, and everything is wrong with you. When you are rejected, betrayed, abandoned, it will fuck with you. It will mess with your self-worth, your self-esteem will be crushed, your soul has just been abused. Wanting that person, that broke your heart is normal, but it will never fix the core wounds. You will delay your healing if you go back there. It’s painful I know, sucks a whole lot. (if he/she was for you, they wouldn’t want to hurt you with intention, that is not LOVE) 

Part of me feels that the intensity of my pain was from an old wound from Mr.ex and childhood wounds that were already in my awareness. 

It’s a risk we take when we decide to walk the Healing/Spiritual Path. It’s like we are UNBECOMING the OLD self. 

So where do you go from here ?. Where do I go from here ?. 

ABANDONMENT RECOVERY

You and I might have different ways to heal. You might like group therapy and I might like individual. What’s important is that you do take the step into your own healing. Be responsible for yourself as if you are a child, and take care and love you as your life depends on it because it does. 

My blog is part of my healing, I want to share in hopes of helping someone else, but also writing is therapy for me just as much learning is. 

Accepting heartbreak is one thing, but life doesn’t get rosy after that. Things just don’t fall into place. You are still with the pain on some days, you still might get upset, but how you deal with it is important. You need to have a plan to keep yourself safe. 

THE BEST REVENGE IS SUCCESS 

When the Shattering stage has passed, you have so much room for growth. 

I have been using that pain as a tool to learn more about myself and others like myself with deep anxious abandonment wounds. How to set clear boundaries, and for fucks sakes I want to be happy. So I am going to make sure I checked them dam Red Flags.  

Honestly writing this post was not easy, but I had to. I have trauma from the relationship and remembering certain things brings on anxiety and on bad days panic attacks.  

I have joined a few online groups and there are more people than I expected dealing with Narcissistic abuse, anxious attachment style, and abandonment wounds. Joining online groups can help you connect to others in your situation.

Here is some reading material that has helped me deal with my healing after the break-up and now “Happily Single and HEALING ”

They do have better days, but baby when you’re in it, it sure doesn’t feel like it.

The selection of books I am about to recommend has helped me out so much, I wouldn’t have been able to put myself together without them. 

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