- ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back
- AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
- SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving
I am currently reading a book called Attached and I am blown away.
I was told about this book years ago and always thought it was going to be heavily science-based and didn’t want to read it. Well, I wish I had read the book years ago as it would have helped me understand a lot of my emotions that were going on in my last relationship and it would have made the break-up hurt a lot less too.
I highly recommend this book Attached if you are single or even coupled up.
We all have different attachment styles and understanding yours is a great insight when getting into the dating world.
I am a hopeful romantic, so I always believe in LOVE. Even though my heart has been crushed in the past I still believe that there is someone out there just for me.
I must say I am very proud of myself for using my pain as a tool to understand my behaviour more, to guide me in my healing.
She assumed the problem was that she is too needy. Research findings support the exact opposite. Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring the partner’s psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until the partner does.Attached
My Mr.Ex attachment style was AVOIDANT and I am ANXIOUS. These two styles don’t do well together. Gosh when they mentioned the “phantom EX”, my mouth opened in shock. Mr. Ex would obsess over his Ex-Wife so much that he walked around with a USB full of her pictures. Him not even want to show me off on Facebook was also a very AVOIDANT move.
Mr.Ex never wanted quality time with me and for me that is important. I need someone who can see the Anxious parts in me, have the values I have, and can turn towards me in times of conflict. (Our relationship was destine to fail….Thank GOD!!!)
AVOIDANTS aren’t bad people but also hurt people, just like the ANXIOUS.
According to this book and tons of research done on this subject both the Avoidants and Anxious are better suited with a person with a Secure attachment style.
The Examples given in the book were very insightful for me and where I am on my journey. There are ways I can heal, tame the anxious thoughts that come up. At the end of it all, we are responsible for our own healing. It just sucks that we might have hurt people without understanding why.
John Bowlby understood that our need for someone to share our lives with someone is part of our genetic makeup and has nothing to do with how much we love ourselves or how fulfilled we feel on our own.Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love
I AM READY FOR LOVE
Just a few days ago I said I wasn’t ready to date, but you know what. I think I am ready. I have been in isolation for this entire year. Whatever free time I have, which is a lot I am always reading, praying, and doing research on how to better myself.
I woke up this morning thinking, why should I wait. My Ex was cheating and pushed me away, this last relationship showed me even more of how much of a beautiful woman I am, how big my heart is. Sure, the break-up was hard, and I felt broken to bits.
But I was kind, willing and I was loyal.
I don’t think I want to actively go out there and find someone, I think the right person is going to come along in Devine timing.
I am ready to let other people in my life, I am ready for new friendships, new memories even if it’s just me now. I am ready to yes to love. I think I was using my trust issues and my heartbreak as a way to push away the idea of allowing love in. I have a clear picture of what I want to feel like in and out of a relationship.
BECOMING THE ONE
A few weeks back, I signed up for a program called “BECOMING THE ONE”.
I am enjoying the content in this program. The questions given has helped me sort out my feelings, my core values, what it is I am looking for in a partner, what is the pattern I had with past partners, how I can become the ONE for me now, looking into my childhood to heal, but also what and how I am willing to show up in the relationship, how will I deal with conflict. Honestly, this program was money well spent.
I always tell people the hardest person to forgive is yourself, forgiving others is easy. It’s like we are programmed to just give to others so freely.
I know what I want. Each day I pour love into my life and me. But I think it’s time for me not to be scared and be open to receive.
Here is the link for the quiz if you want to find out what attachment style you have.
Wherever you are in this world, I love you, stay safe, and love yourself. Oh and don’t forget tonight is a full moon, set your intentions and release.