MY HEART IS KINTSUGI

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

Have I ever mentioned that I haven’t been able to sleep since this pandemic started? I had a few good nights sleeping when I was in Florida visiting my son last year Jan 2020 but after that. Not one good night, I can’t even count the Vodka-induced nights, they were just horrid. 

I tried sleeping pills, teas, oils, meditation, yoga before bed, eating, sex, reading yet nothing has been able to calm my mind down. Then with the break-up, it got worst. So, I am running on 4-3 hours of sleep most nights. I’ve been told 4 hours is enough. I have no clue, but it’s taking a toll on me. 

MY HEART IS HEAVY, IT HAS TO BE KINTSUGI 

While I tossed and turned last night I tried to relax into my body. I was really missing my son yesterday. It was just one of those days you know, bit more emotions. I laid there in bed and tried to imagine what my heart looked like. The only thing that came to mind was the Japanese art Kintsugi. Where broken pieces are put back together by gold. The image intrigued me. 

How does one have so many broken bits? How does one live with such a heavy heart? 

It’s like I can feel the pieces that were broken, nice-looking shiny, colorful stones mended with gold.

The weight, where does it come from, surely not the value. 

And there it is! 

Rage, Anger, Loneliness, Regret, Worry are all weighing my precious heart down. 

While the image of my heart is a beautiful piece of art, that shows me the magnificence of my imperfections and flaws. Its encumbrance feels too heavy. 

IT’S MY HEART, BUT PLEASE GOD I CAN’T. 

I cried myself to sleep. The pandemic has taken its toll on me, my faith seems to be slipping on some days, and I am human I remind myself of the emotions of longing to be held, touched, seen, laugh, hold my son, see my family. This feeling of hell has now become too unbearable for this wondrous soul. 

I am not meant to be caged; I just want to be free. 

The image of my heart as Kintsugi puts me now sound asleep. 

I’ll tackle tomorrow when it comes if it comes. 

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