BETRAYAL, REJECTION, AND ABANDONMENT
In John Gottman’s Book “Seven Principles in Making a Marriage Work” He has an exercise where you write down daily positive attributes of your spouse. When Jack and I were going through our hard times. I tried this exercise and came up with just a few things. But I tried anyway.
It was hard and I should have known by that exercise that jack was clearly not the one for me.
Where my values mattered Jack failed. Whenever I was sick, he wasn’t there when I needed emotional support, he was never there when I had things to get done in my house he never helped out, down to having dinner I would always have to pay. He went as far as to tell me if I wanted to get married, I had to buy the house and if I wanted to have another child I would have to pay for the IVF. My sister reminded me this morning of these things.
Every time we had an argument, we were told by the therapist to turn towards each other, this is another technique used in the “Gottman’s Method”. With each fight, I was abandoned and given silent treatment. My abandonment wounds grew deep with each silent treatment and discard.
The pieces are coming together now, Jack was seeing someone else while we were together and discarded me to move on to his next victim.
While my heart is still feeling the pain from the cheating (Betrayal), I also know that I was upfront with him and always told him that cheating was my absolute no turning back.
I can’t tell you how the pain of this betrayal has affected me to my core and to top off the betrayal, he stole money from me.
My father called this morning and told me “Forget him, it will hurt but you are a strong woman and you’ve been through a lot, you can handle this”. (thanks, daddy if you only knew how my heart feels right now)
So, I am feeling my pain, I am finding strength in the unknown silenced of my despair. I am hanging on to hope, I am being supported by my family.
Here is what I am not going to do. I am not going to be any type of saint and pretend that I am okay, I am not going to sit down with God and try to forgive Jack. No, now is not the time for forgiveness.
“How to Heal a Broken Heart “By Guy Winch. He instructs one of his patients to be angry at the one that did them wrong. That we do need to get to the point of being angry in a healthy way. There is nothing wrong with feeling pain, being angry, or even hating the other person. If I must HATE Jack to move on from this breakup, then that is what I am going to do. Jack will never again in his life get to see me, talk to me, or touch any part of my body again.
I must be honest, just like the last time, the hardest person to forgive was myself. It will be hard this time too. Because with Jack I reach an all-time low and literally settled for shit. I cannot even begin to list all the shit I had to put up with, and I stayed in a 6-year relationship without being respected and all my needs were never meet (not even in the bedroom)
Come on Mel. Do, you hear yourself. Jack is a total douche bag! (sisters chiming in)
So where is my miracle in this break-up?
My Miracle is me choosing to love on me for the rest of my life, it’s me waking up today with puffy eyes and telling myself “I can do hard things”. It’s me choosing not to see anyone right now or jumping into any relationship. There are damages that need to be mended too before anyone can come into my life again. It did cross my mind to see what’s out there, but I will only be giving someone the bitter parts of me, and I don’t want to be so unkind to anyone, even if I was just going to use them to move on. I don’t see the logic in it.
This morning, I showed up to work, no make-up, and my eyes are swollen from crying. My heart feels like it’s on my sleeve. But, as each minute passes, and I reflect on all the pain Jack brought to me in the end I lost nothing. If anything, God just gave me a miracle by revealing the cheating to me. I was just protected by the universe from spending a life with a man that has no right to be in my or my son’s life.
Zack (my son) did cross my mind this morning, and I thought back on how he told me Jack was not a nice person, that he was getting a bad vibe from him. I thought about how I almost gave my son the worst stepfather, that Jack and his family believe in Polygamy, and I almost exposed my son to something I am against as a feminist.
This Monday morning, being totally pissed the fuck off is my dam Miracle.
I will say a prayer for all the broken souls out there, it’s one thing to go through a pandemic, it’s another when you’re dealing with a breakup as well.
Betrayal, Abandonment, and Rejection are not easy things to go through. Not when you were so invested.