If you happen to be one of my regular readers, you’ll know that these past few weeks have been hell. Wait! no, I take that back. This whole year has been a shit show.
These past few months I was having a mental breakdown. Here’s the thing about being single, living alone, having no family, and having no friends around. You become so fucked up with your thoughts and the basic human rights as touch or laughter seems like it has been taken away from you.
The pandemic has done a number on my mental health. Jack’s still around, but he’s dealing with his stuff. Both of us haven’t been able to see our kids in over a year due to COVID-19.
I want to say I feel like I had a small shift on Saturday. Running out of that Yoga Training was the best thing I could have done.
I had this nagging feeling or maybe it was a calling that I had to pull out my prayer mat and pray the Islamic way. I know before when I did pray that way I felt something when my forehead was on the floor, just pouring my heart out to God.
I spent all of Saturday evening and night reading about Islam and Spirituality. I spent all of Sunday in silence and prayer.
Here is what I am learning on my Prayer Mat.
That the pain is loud, that I have been unkind to those I love, that I have been mean and ugly to myself and Jack, that I have so much pain from being away from my son that I hate myself as a mother for being so far away from him, that I have been looking at the outside world for all my answers, that I wasn’t really calling on GOD to help me or save me, that I need to be more silent, and I need my faith to help me to be patient.
To be honest, I am not even sure in my despair if I even believed in a GOD. I was so far gone, suicide was on my mind because the internal pain was so unbearable.
I know someone might read this and panic but trust me I am okay. My prayer is what has been able to save me. Praying has given me comfort, it has softened my heart a little, it’s giving me hope, it’s comforting in a way I have no words for.
This is unconditional LOVE. Love that you get from GOD is unconditional. It’s this LOVE that has given me hope again.
Maybe this is another surrender moment, maybe putting my sorrow in God’s hands is what I am meant to do right now.
So since Yoga Training is out the dam window, I was thinking about talking about other stuff on here. Lift the vibes on this page a little. I have GOD now or again, let me breathe a little and smile a bit more.
So here is what I am thinking.
I don’t cook often. Okay…fine I don’t cook.
I would like to get back into the kitchen and enjoy the art of making a meal or desserts as I use to when I was in Florida with my son.
So given that I live alone, I want to create meals that I can enjoy.
I used to bake so much when was living in Florida, I enjoyed working with sugar, eggs, and flour. I feel like I need to get some of that spark back.
Baby steps, as I walk with God, and Faith.