Maybe I never understood the meaning of a breakdown . But today I got to meet it. A familiar place yet so foreign.
It was day 5 on yoga training. I cried all night, the dark night was crawling in my bed. Unable to rest and endless tears .
I’m sure it was the swollen eyes that gave me away. The dullness on my skin from crying too much and not being able to eat.
Then in a resting pose with one touch “Melissa are you okay, did you have a rough night”? Her words were so gentle. Yet my tears had no control. Sobbing on my yoga mat, trying to catch a breath.
Then it’s the seating position and I’m there crying again .
Class ends and I cry all the way home trying to catch my breath. I’m breaking down and this is not good.
I feel scared, unsafe, lost, confused , dizzy. Why is it so hard to breath.
I walk through the door and I fall to my knees. “God , if you’re there help me, I don’t know what to do again, I’m lost and have ran out of answers” “God please tell me what to do , please send help” while I’m praying it comes to me I don’t know what I’m really asking God for. It just hurts its all I know and I can’t take the pain anymore.
I tell my God” guide me”. I had no intention for my training to be so emotional. I had no idea someone I trusted was going to betray me. I had no idea one human can endure so much pain in one lifetime.
Today I BROKE DOWN.