I’m three days into my yoga teacher training. Yesterday I had to leave , I was getting what felt like anxiety. The room felt like it was caving in, I just had to leave. What I was getting was a full blown panic attack.
My life feels like it’s falling apart before my eyes, like I’m just caving into the darkness and everything hurts.
I’m trying to hold on and I can’t . I can’t seem to catch a proper breath.
The loneliness is slowly eating at my soul. They say it could be depression. It’s not.
I just know I’m unhappy, that I want so much more out of life and no matter how much I try to climb I keep falling. I want someone to be around to feel safe in a country where safety doesn’t exist.
My heart is breaking everyday I’m away from my son and family. I can’t even look in the mirror. The longing to be held, is such an Excruciating pain.
Prayers don’t seem to help anymore . I feel like I’m praying to a fake God . One full of hope but no mercy on my soul.
When does it get better I ask my self. When will things change, when will I change . When or how can I feel better.
Maybe it’s the yoga that is revealing all my ugliness inside, maybe it’s making me more aware.
Tonight I’m down , tonight I feel I want death. It’s too much pain.
Tonight I need a miracle.
I’m too weak and down to pray , would you pray for me . I just seem so lost.