A daughter’s battle with her father’s drinking. 

Alcohol would be in my life forever. It’s liked a reminder on my phone. I hate the messages I get from this foreign bitter substance. Taking away my joy, my peace of mind, taking it all slowly leaving me here with just my sadness. 

The messages come in slowly, and painfully. 

“You are not important”

“No one is going to LOVE YOU”

“Trust NO ONE”

“He’s going to die”

“I am not trying hard enough”

Have I ever told you that my father is an alcoholic? How I lost my father to alcohol and he’s not even dead, but most days it feels like he is. 

Alcohol has ruined my childhood, has robbed me of a father. This is what I tell myself. Then the range comes in and I am furious at the Industry and wonder why this damaging substance is so ready and available to everyone, why during the pandemic I wasn’t allowed to buy panties in the store, but I can buy beer, rum and wine, why with every occasion is Alcohol included. I wonder if this industry is out to kill us all with the big influence and false perceptions that Alcohol makes everything great again. 

Gabe Mate a doctor who works with addicts, explains that addiction is so much more than what the person uses. There is so much pain in the individuals that choose to use it. I agree with him. 

I have come across a lot of addicts in my life, and I can safely say these people are far from stupid and are the most intelligent people I have ever come across in my life. 

How do we separate the addict from the father, how do we accept this is their fate and ours as abandoned family members, and as for my case, the abandoned daughter. 

I thought as I got older needing daddy was going to go away. That I would just be okay with who he is. But I am not. 

I watch other daughters still get to have a normal family life, then I compare and think somehow, I am faulty or life with my dad would never be what I needed or crave. 

The hardest part is understanding this addiction, how it takes over the person’s body, mind, and soul. It’s like watching a body and wondering who this person is or why are they suffering. 

This addiction bleeds not only onto the person who is using it but also the loved ones. When you have a person in your family that is an addict, it’s not a one-person problem it’s a family problem. 

I have made countless excuses for my dad and his drinking, I have put aside my needs at times, I have covered up his intoxication. Now I have been come sucked in, with this addiction. 

At this point, Alcohol always wins and I lose my dad. 

I never knew how much my father’s addiction affected me until I was honest with myself. And honest with the way I felt. 

We must become our superheroes. Because alcohol has taken our hero. We must encourage others to love themselves regardless of their addiction problem. At the end of the day, these people who are drinking using drugs, are suffering, they are hurt beings.

I don’t think anyone in the right frame of mine wants to drink himself to death,worry his wife, worry his children, watch his bank account fade away. It’s just not worth it, but it’s like it’s a battle that they just can’t seem to overcome or to win. It’s almost like a battle with the psyche, with the spiritual world. Everything coming at them at once and the only way to go is the way they know how just to feel better. They don’t use to feel worse. They do it to feel better about themselves. It’s a sad truth, even if it’s at the cost of making you feel bad, making me feel bad. Alcohol winds I lose.

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