The best advice I can give anyone is to work on healing yourself before you get into another relationship. When the right relationship comes along you can continue to do your healing work both together and individually. I rather do all the messy healing on my own, with the big tears, and mascara running down my face in private, thank you very much!
Taking responsibility for your part of the breakup will guide you in the areas you need help in. Also what areas did Mr.Ex fall short of and why did you allow it ?.
Do you know what attachment styles you have?
What childhood wounds do you still carry?
What adult trauma you haven’t worked through?
Do you act avoidant?
Do you come across and Needy, Clingy, panic if someone rejects you?
does silent treatment hurt you more than other people you may know?
Do you push people away?
Do you hide your emotions to seem strong?
Do you love bomb?
Are you a people pleaser?
Did you accept behaviors from Mr.Ex that felt uncomfortable, did you make up excuses for him?
These are all valid questions to ask yourself. These questions can open some hurt wounds when you think back to your childhood and link the behaviors with a core belief.
“You have to do the healing work”. We so often feel we must fill in this void, move on to the next only to find ourselves in the same type of shit. Same guy, different pants!
We are not perfect, and healing is not a perfect picture either. It takes time and patience with oneself. Can you just imagine meeting someone and feeling more confident, can you imagine going on a date that went bad and he rejected you and you said: “Okay thank you for being honest with me “(without taking it so personally or blaming yourself).
Might seem like you will have to become a different person. In some ways that is true and it’s also very false. I look at it as being a better you, you that is meant to have the long-lasting relationships and life you always dreamed of.
Healing is a journey. It never ends there would be pain, healing, pain, healing and so it goes.MELO
If you need help trying to find out what you might need help on, reaching out to a therapist is a good idea. SEE POST https://nofilterhealing.com/2021/07/16/the-benefits-of-a-break-up-getting-a-therapist/
BREAK-UPS LEAD US TO HEAL
When I broke up with Mr. Ex. I remembered listening to Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer on repeat. I Couldn’t get enough; I was learning a new way of thinking.
It’s when I asked myself questions like “What bothers me so much about the breakup? what am I really angry at?”
CHANGING YOUR BELIEFS ABOUT YOURSELF
Mr.Ex had kicked me out of the home we shared, without a care in the world and his family never treated me with a warmness they showed others, I felt they treated me different because they thought I was poor, and the manner My Ex kicked me out made me feel so worthless. I mean down to my birthdays he would say straight up “I am not buying you a gift, or I am not getting you a ring”. I started to feel like I was not worthy of these things.
On one hand, I had a list of things I wanted and on the other, I had a list of beliefs that didn’t match up with my desires.
HEALING IS NOW YOUR MISSION
I was on a mission to change my limiting beliefs. I changed “I am worthless” to “I am valuable”. I went on a rampage and stuck every affirmation that resonated with me all over my house. I took my MAC lipstick and wrote “I am enough” on all my mirrors. I couldn’t care less who came to visits and saw them, they were for me, and I was going to change my thought process one post-it notes and printable affirmations at a time.
This is just one way I did healing; my other forms would include. Getting books on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Marriage Books (I want a husband, but I also want a healthy relationship), Spiritual Books, Books on creating new habits and the subconscious mind, Books that are more specific to my wounds such as codependency, abandonment, Fear full attachment styles. I highly recommend books that ask you to do workbooks. Did I mention Yoga, Yoga saved my soul and life.
WRITE TO HEAL
Journaling is another way I had let my thoughts out because let’s face it, we are not always going to be love and light and saying affirmations all the time. We will have bad days, and on bad days I find that writing out my feelings helps. I can also catch myself at times when the mind is going out of control and bring it back, I can step back and say “Oh, it wants to go here…Yeah no Satan not today”.
Doing plant medicine is on my list to try as a healing tool. There are so many options to try, but the first step is trying. There is light, you just must go and find it.
GET A GOD!
The last thing I will leave you with is to get a GOD, no not some man in the sky with a beard, get yourself connected to something that you consider a higher power. I don’t care if you call it Spirit, Source, Universe, Infinite Spirit just get one and it can be him or her. If you belong to a religion and serves you then keep it. The God I am talking about is the one that’s forgiving, is kind, is loving and all these things are inside you. It’s your own GPS Guidance system that is light and powerful. Having this will allow you to make it easy to surrender situations or things beyond your control. With faith, you have a sense of knowing that “Everything is always working out”
You have space and time when you are single to work on yourself and do some healing work, why not do it now. This is a huge benefit if you ask me. I will rather be healing than attracting the same shit I was before; I will rather be alone healing than is misery with someone else. My time here on earth is far too sacred now, I have so much to teach my son, my future grandkids, and other women than to allow myself a life I settled for. Nope, not me! I will educate myself on my faults, forgive along the way, and make room for so much more goodness that is awaiting me.