I never grew up with just one religion in my household we were just all over the place, just as our parents were.
I remembered feeling left out at school while kids gathered and talked about there time in Church and Sunday School. (For as long as I can remember, I have been trying to find GOD).
Told mom that I wanted to go to Sunday school, that lasted a few years until my parents decided it was time for a divorce and my dad found out the Church was telling us that Hindus were Bad people. He had a point, what religion would promote hate against another just because of their beliefs. My inner knowing was not at the Christian Sunday School.
Years later I would find myself in the Catholic Church, I found some peace in there for a while, but when I wasn’t allowed bread 🥖 and wine, because I wasn’t a real Catholic, I told God I’ll come back and never did. I used to finitize about meeting my husband in a Catholic Church. I did find peace in the stillness in the Church, but I always wondered why it was always a Man speaking the word of God and never a woman.
In my late teens I said I was going to become a Hindu because this will make daddy proud, and I might as well try to fit in with the complexion of my skin. The idea of putting flowers on a photo of a deity had me so off putting, chanting words that I had no idea what they meant, didn’t get me any closer to GOD. Then my Period was an Issue, having a menstrual cycle (WHICH, GOD GAVE ME BY THE WAY) was making me feel like an outcast.
Great, I am a woman, and I am not allowed to pray while on my cycle. Something is not right here.
When you go into the Temple you are not allowed to touch anything while on your menstrual cycle, because you are considered dirty and unclean. So now the whole temple gets to know the girl who didn’t go up to offer anything has her period. Talk about being horrified as a young lady. Oh and don’t get me started on having to touch some strange man’s feet. One that is just gross and number two he’s a fucking human just like me why is he being worshiped.
I ditched the praying to a photo made in china. Sorry I am just not feeling this!
I am going to be a Muslim. YUPPIIEEE!!!! Mashallah
I am a smart woman, so I read first then decide. Or so I thought that is what I was doing.
Islam would come into my life just as I meet Mr. Ex.
He happened to be a Muslim (Ahmadiyya) I have never heard of his type of Islam, but I was no place to judge I needed a God and I needed one fast. I Wanted to be married and be saved and stop this nonsense of always feeling like a sinner. But, what I really needed was a connection to GOD (ASAP).
At this point in my life if you told me, I could meet God and have a joining with him through Tequila I was going to buy a truck load of it and drink.
My soul was anxious at this point.
“God, where are you, how can I find you, can you hear me”?
After many books, I read on Islam.
I fell in love, just as the words passed my eyes and entered my soul, I felt at peace. I made the decision to convert, and Mr. Ex said he will never marry me if I was not a Muslim. This was now my new fate. “Here I Come God or Allah”. I am ready to pray, I am ready to fast, I am ready learn, I am ready to be a good woman, I am not ready to be anyone’s second wife.
During my time being a Muslim, it was the most mind fuck I have ever had in my life. I was being told “if you come out of your line during prayer, you are bad”, If you don’t do a Nikkah Allah would hate you, if you drink Allah is greatly displeased with you.
Meanwhile Mr. Ex is one of the biggest drinkers I know. Then I was introduced to polygamy.
I am a true Western Girl, but let me just tell you I thought that shit only happened in the Middle East (see how judgmental we can be) Low and behold The Republic of Trinidad and Tobago have that shit going on like no body’s business.
Mr. Ex Dad has two wives, and you dam well know I was not about that shit.
I wanted to please GOD; how can I not do what is required of me. I eventually left Islam and the Adhamiya Community (CULT) for their lack of respect for women and the spiritual abuse I endured while I was a part of that community. I remembered going to the head of the Jamaat asking questions about my Nikkah which turned out to be fake in the end.
These people are going around promoting this religion to then treat women with so much disgust and disrespect. I noticed that his family treated me unkindly because they didn’t think I was rich enough. Meanwhile I was supporting myself and doing everything for myself and not once asked them for anything. When I saw how I was excluded from the Muslim activities I felt like I just didn’t belong and no longer were the literature I was reading matching up to what I was living.
Something was not right, I became a second wife without my knowing, then I wasn’t. My mind was so fucked up I didn’t even know how to face my own family. I became so unrecognizable in the mirror. I began to fear GOD to the point I was afraid to pray, and I was afraid to speak.
I left Islam but kept the good parts in my heart. I read the Forty Rules of Love, to keep the good part in my soul, the parts that spoke to my soul, made me feel alive and made me feel the Spirit of the Devine.
Saying Goodbye to Religion
I will never again return to dogmatic Religion, I don’t think I need to be anything with a label to go into heave, and I really don’t want any God that is judging me so dam much. I want my God to be loving, to be kind, To Hear me when I cry.
I give to others when I can, believe in Karma, I will only say a Mantra in another language only if I know it’s meaning, I won’t let a group of people in religion or the Spiritual world tell me I am doomed for hell if I don’t get married, have my period or have a glass of wine.
I won’t want to live my time with Islam again, but I am happy that it did bring me to my Yoga Mat and Its Yoga that saved my soul and life. Yoga is my Religion if I ever had one again.
I never found love or closeness to God, until I ditched trying to have a Box or Label to put my self in.
If you choose to be in a religion or try on different ones on, then that is your path. I found more respect for other religions once I decided not to have one. I Love mother Kali , I love calling on angles for divine guidance, I love the arbic art, and the poems from the great Rumi and Hafiza. So in this life we have no reason to hate anyone for their religion, but we can open our hearts to more understanding and before you judge another religion look into it. Leaving Religion has gave me peace and understanding. Somedays I’m a witch, somedays I am calling on GOD and somedays I needs the energy of Spirit Guides/Angles . I am a free soul !
Follow your heart. Your journey will not be perfect, but it will be worth it.
Sorry this was a bit long, I am still trying to write short blog post.