Break-up Trauma

Over the decades of research and therapy, I’ve discovered that certain incidents do more than just touch our raw spots or “hurt our feelings.” They injure us so deeply that they overturn our world. They are relationship traumas. In the dictionary a trauma is defined as a wound that plunges us into fear and helplessness, that challenges all our assumptions of predictability and control. Traumatic wounds are especially severe, observes Judith Herman, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, when they involve a “violation of human connection.” Indeed, there is no greater trauma than to be wounded by the very people we count on to support and protect us.

Johnson, Dr. Sue. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

I wonder if we ever really take the time to heal from old loves, or even when the person we are with has done us wrong. 

Reading this current passage about the relationship trauma, there was no way Jack and I would have survived being together. I had already register my first time with him as one of the most horrific things I have ever been through. I mean it sounds strange or sad. But It’s true when I had to go over to his house (that was the house we shared together), I would literally feel my heart racing, my face getting hot and I really just wanted to run. His home reminded me of how to mean he and his family was me too, it reminded me of how he would cuss me off, how many nights I went to bed in tears, taking sleeping pills just to get through the night, how he and his family gave me a fake Nikkah, how I almost became someones, second wife, how he cussed me almost every day telling me “get the fuck out of my house”, I remembered him wanting to smoke weed when my son came to visit and I had already told him I didn’t want that around my child, how I felt crying holding my son and wanting to get the fuck out of there, how he told me I was a nasty women and never deserved anything good in life, how his family looked down on me because they thought Didn’t have money, meanwhile their son has never one taken care of me or my son.

I had registered this time in that house as pure Trauma. I remembered two different tarots readers told me to get the fuck out of that house others wise I was going to die in it, If I had to guess I was so depressed in that house I probably would have taken my own life. 

I have mentioned in a previous post, Jack is not all that bad, but I honestly had no tools on how to express my feelings and when I did, he would always shut down. After reading and recognizing the relationship for what it is. I can see how this last time, I was projecting a lot of pain that was trauma from my last time with him. I see now, that I am actually very happy that the relationship eneded. 
I don’t think all relationships can be fixed, it really does take two willing people to want to make it work.

Sure it sucks when you want to make it work and they don’t. I take that as “Rejection is Redirection”. I don’t want to be in a relationship with any man that is not willing to do the work with me, Fuck after jack I need a really strong man who is open to self-care and self-help. It’s one thing to buy a book and change your ways, but what if the other person has already left, then what. You’re left with a Marriage book and all alone. I say when it comes down to it, you have to decide. As for me, I have made the decision that I’ll never go back there, that I know I’ll miss him, but I want the person who stays and who fights for me and with me for our relationship. 

It really bothers me that the therapist that I have been to, haven’t mention one fuck about emotional connection/attachment. All I got was “Melissa try to use “I” Statements”. Oh if Vicky(therapist) only knows how much I really want to tell her to take her Fucking “I” statements and shove it.  

Lack of an emotionally supportive response by a loved one at a moment of threat can color a whole relationship, observe attachment researchers Jeff Simpson of the University of Minnesota and Steven Rholes of Texas A&M University. It can eclipse hundreds of smaller positive events and, in one swipe, demolish the security of a love relationship. The power of such incidents lies in the searing negative answer they offer to the eternal questions “Are you there for me when I am most in need? Do you care about my pain?”

Johnson, Dr. Sue. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love