“hurt, people, hurt people”
I remember my first break up with Jack, I remember explaining it as a volcano erupted in me. I had no idea that my relationship would have exposed so much of me, I had no idea how much I was hurting inside. Some will call this a Karmic Relationship. Whatever you want to call it was clearly needed on my journey to healing.
After deep research and trying to find answers I saw Jack as a person in pain. You see I was so self-absorbed in my own pain I overlooked his. Deep inside I was seeing parts of him he was trying to hide. The parts that were still angry at his ex-wife that he used me as a pond piece to get back at her and compromised my relationship with his daughter. The fact that he slept a lot gave away the signs that he was dealing with depression. But being there with him, living with him I blocked out his pain. He wasn’t meeting my needs, I was in my pain. So my focus was on me, not him. I was focused on all the things he did wrong.
I see Jack’s full potential, things he hasn’t seen yet for himself, the great human he is with other people. The way he shares food out to the poor, the way he will always go to the store for me even though he’s mad as hell with me, he’s really kind-hearted on the inside. But there’s so much pain in there too.
I feel his pain, I see how his dad is always criticizing him, never a proud word from that man. I see his childhood wounds, I see how his parents have crippled him with money (just enough) so he won’t ever leave mummy’s house, I see how he had to clean up his dad mess after cheating on his mom, and that compromise his relationship with his wife and child, I see how it hurts him to be 39 and not being able to be a man on his own, I see how his dreams get buried so deep it hurts him, I see how he goes to drinking and weed to numb the pain, because letting anyone see all that pain is too much for him, he’s been taught to be quite and don’t say a word.
Often times we think people are being mean or just plain out rude, but we act out our childhood shit in our adult relationships. It first hit me when I was trying to deal with my body image after the first breakup. Jack use to make comments at me for wearing a tank top to the gym and told me “showing your tattoo at the gym is going to give people the wrong impression”…okay what now ! .
One comment like that would have lead to many others, so I started to feel really insecure about the way I looked and the way I dressed. I remember one time wearing a black dress from Old Navy that was at my knees and he told me “look you have on a hooker dress”. I rolled my eyes of course, but when the person you are with starts making comments like that, and at this time my soul was already breaking, you start to question everything about yourself. Jack was insecure about the way he looked and that was his way of letting his insides out. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s wrong for dealing with his issues in that way.
Jack has been one of my biggest teachers, my time with him always revealed something in me that I had to deal with, something unseen. Had I not gone through the first round with Jack I would have never known that I had to forgive my own parents for things they did and didn’t do as they only did the best they knew how to. I learned that my trigger from silent treatment, does not only come from my ex-husband, but it goes so far back to when I was a child and daddy decided me and my sisters weren’t enough to hang around for. I am a daddy’s girl so when daddy left when I was 10, I felt abandoned.
So much more would be revealed to me after the first break-up, that I started, and was determined to get my self-worth back, I was determined that I was going to love myself no matter what life threw at me. With this round, I have let myself down, I also let Jack down too. I can’t be sure if it was the pandemic or the mere fact that I felt like I was in a time capsule and the universe took me back 5 years.
I am asking myself tonight, did I hang on too long, am I that gullible to think I can actually have it all after such a messy first round, or is this me finally saying goodbye to one of my greatest teachers in life ?. I guess time will answer me, but I know one thing, if it wasn’t for my experience with him I wouldn’t have known how to forgive my ex-husband because when you get into Self Improvement or Spirituality there is no way you can skip the forgiveness part, geez it’s in every dam book. Even if you are trying to manifest new love, you have to forgive the old ones.
Jack, tonight my prayers are with you. May the Devine find a place in your heart, may time heal your pain,may God give you the stregth to look inside your self to see the good and the bad without judgment,may you know how greatful I am for the lessons you brought me, even when they were painfull”.