It’s dawned on me in the shower , of a fresh start. New, will always start with mornings and coffee. I think we forget how mornings can rush away yesterdays sin, yesterdays sorrow and coffee will just get you started for the day ahead, for the life ahead, for the new you to being again.
I look at mornings now different. I get another chance to either screw it up again or try something different.
This morning while I feel I am still nursing a hangover from two nights ago. I said its enough, no more sleeping pills, no more binge drinking, no more binge eating. If I am going to fully emerge I have to feel, and I want to feel it all now. I want to find out now, why or what is it I am so afraid of at night, besides that fact that I am lonely. I want to touch my body with out judging it or me. I want to think back on my past mistakes with a new lens, with more compassion for a woman that is still growing at the age of 37. I want to choose who gets my body, my time, my smile, my effort. I no longer want to chase a dream that is not mines.
Maybe God, doesn’t want me to have the family life I had always dreamed of, maybe I’ll never get married again or have another child. This morning with my coffee I got the message “it’s going to be okay, just feel”. For the first time in months, I am connected back to my sprit, to my god. My head is still pounding, but I just need to type it out. This is what I’m meant to do right now.