Letting go is hard, no one wants to let go of a relationship even if its BAD for you. We are condition to hold on to things more then we are to gain things.
It’s been six years I tell my self, don’t give up (but I am unhappy and my needs are not meet).
We got back together last year of a separation that involved us coming together just for sex, him not wanting to commit. Then he changed his mind and I thought he had changed as well… boy was I wrong.
We got engaged December 31 2020. Then things went south.
I think one of the first fights was us talking about not being in contact with ex’s. At this point I had released a good amount of people from my life so there is no ex’s on my contact list. We had both agreed that they only ex’s were going to be in contact with was the mother of his child and the father of mine.
Somehow I found my self on Facebook (which by the way I wasn’t allowed on his for a long time until we got back together…RED FLAG). I noticed he had posted something and a woman commented on it. Now mind you he told me he wasn’t talking to anyone and that there was one ex he spoke to and that “Way back in November 2019”…Yeah right. The comment was on Feb 14th 2020. Well I think he has some explaining to do. Yup, turns out the woman that commented and liked the post was the very ex he said he doesn’t speak to.
When I did confront him about it, I got stone walled (ignoring me for days on end and not taking any calls or text, which also leads to blocking me on other forms of contact such as WhatsApp)
He would ignore me for days on end for speaking my mind or bringing something up. I learned in couples therapy that he has a very narcissistic father (extremely critical). So he would be very sensitive to anything I had to say (Bullshit). Stonewalling (ignoring, silent treatment) is a from of punishment that some men do. If you’re and empath like my self, that feeling you get from the silent treatment hurts so bad.
I should have let him go then, but seems like the ring was holding so much more weight on me then I thought or maybe it was the idea of it.
Needless to say our relationship went as far it could and I felt broken day by day trying to wrap my head around what is going on with my life. It seemed as though everything we spoke of and all my needs and concerns that I brought up in the beginning all went to shit.
As each day turned into weeks, then months I fell into a deep dark depressed state of mind. My heart was hurting and my mind was trying with all its power to find a way to hold on. Then when the pain was too much and I thought this is rock bottom. I feel on my knees and started to pray. I can’t saying if the praying helped or the tears, but I felt good for just about 5 mins and that was all I needed to feel okay for 5 mins.
I still don’t want to let go I can fix this right !!!! Nope…..
He came to me with some bullshit about “I need a break to work on my self and you can’t be around”…Okay hold up we are engaged right ?… We are in a serious committed relationship ?. All I need from you is quality time can you give me one day a week and I can back off so you can work on your self ?… His answer to the last question was “No”.
Rejection hurts like a mother fucker, if you haven’t dealt with some inner child hood shit. All of a sudden your a 38 year old woman who has a great fear of abandonment and your crying as if someone just died. Anger comes up to the surface and you know if he was in your face you would fucking punch him for breaking your heart for what feels like a million pieces.
I think after the 20th time of “Are you sure you can’t give me one day a week”, I had to have a chat with my self . “Come on Melissa are you hearing your self, like what the fuck is that shit, you deserve better come on you got this, your a Queen, you can manifest the right one, just let go please, it hurts too much now to hold on”.
I am proof that letting go of a relationship even if its BAD for you is hard as hell. I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring me or how much I am going to cry, but I am going to walk by faith and hope. It sucks that we are in a lockdown and I can’t go shopping or meet up with a friend for coffee. But I am going to fucking to do this healing for me, because I AM WORTH IT.
What I have been doing to keep my vibes slowing going up is, I am resting. I am not putting the pressure to loose weight, to get back out there. I am reading on self love and values I want to live by. I am working on me, because I can never loose me again.
If you are going through a break up , my prayers our with you tonight. Its not a easy thing and it doesn’t matter how long you were together. Loosing someone you love is hard as FUCK. I wish more women would be honest about the madness that we feel going through a break up. Also on that note , you see the no contact shit , oh my word that is hard. Have you any idea how many excuses my mind has come up with to contact him…lol
My no contact actually starts tomorrow where I will be documenting it all, the feelings, the motivation, the bucket list etc.
I do want to be happy and I do want peace in my life. I know it starts with me, no one can fix my heart, no one can give me love for me. It all starts with me. I am grateful for the ending, because it showed me I had a lot more inner work to do on self worth and self love.
“Where ever you are in this world, know that someone is praying for your broken heart tonight”