If I had to go back in time, I knew what the red flags were, I just choose to ignore them.

Having pictures of your ex wife in your house is just not cool


When I first got together with Jack (not his real name) I couldn’t quite understand why his mother and him had a picture of his ex-wife in their house. Oh yes he also lives with his mom (gross he’s fucking 39). But I eventually asked about it and made a huge scene, then the picture came down to only resurface again. This was him and his mother clearly not respecting me at all.

My birthday is important to me


Birthday’s are important in my family. We make a big deal with just the simplest of things. My mom would always greet us with balloons in the morning and we always had a really nice cake, even if it was just from the grocery store and not a bakery. So for the past six years I have missed out on having a happy birthday. I remember one birthday (I was living with him at the time) and he said to me days before my birthday “I am not buying you anything for your birthday so don’t expect anything from me”.

“Sis he has to be joking right, he wouldn’t do that, its my first birthday and it’s the first birthday as his Islamic wife (we did a Fake Nikkah…more on that later). Low and behold my birthday comes and I spend all day in bed watching TV and kid you not there was no fucking gift from him. He did cook and complained about having to cook for me. RED FUCKING FLAG !!!

When he completely ignores your needs that is the biggest RED FLAG of all.

You wanna know if he watched porn, check his performance in bed, if its a softy hun his grip is all he knows

The most recent one was when we got back together. I want to say it was right before the engagement. I had told him up front that I didn’t want porn to be in my relationship. You see I have a father who is addicted to porn and porn just makes me feel dirty. I knew in my heart and soul that if I get married this is something I don’t want around my son nor in my house hold. Yes I know, if I have daddy issues I shouldn’t be projecting it on to my partner. Let’s not forget I do happen to read and when it comes to porn I have read that a lot of men gearing towards self help gave up porn as it was actually interfering with their performance and the way they relate to women. Also when you get use to your own dam grip how is any pussy going to satisfy you.

I asked him a few times, have you watched porn. Yes, I know don’t ask questions…yeah fuck that shit. I must of asked him a few times and his answer was alway “No Melissa”. Something inside of me kept saying he’s fucking lying like he use to when I was living with him. I asked again after noticing his eye roll when I brought up a conversation about a co worker. His answer was now “yes, but I didn’t jerk off to it”… have to be fucking kidding me at this point. I mean I just got back from a yoga class and now my fucking ZEN was GONE. My heart started to race, I felt like I just caught him cheating, I couldn’t even look at him, I didn’t even want him near me, I just had to get the fuck out there because somehow in that moment I didn’t know how to breath.

In a way I am happy that he went against me, because that lead me to asking the women around me how they felt about porn, if they them selves watched it, if I was being paranoid.

Trust is something when taken away its hard to get back. I didn’t know how to trust his words after that day and it wasn’t the first time he lied to my face. I could remember going there and watching every inch of his house checking for the baby oil, usb, laptop…my mind was never at ease and I never believed a word that came out of his mouth after that. But somehow , I am a total fool thinking that he would someday change. I told my therapist “I have to accept this right ?, the fact that he watches porn because all my guy friends tell me ALL MEN WATCH PORN”. Anna (my therapist) looked at me with confusion “Melissa if this is something you brought up in your relationship and it really bothers you, no it is not okay, no you do not have to accept it”. Anna was right, but accepting it was much easier then letting him go. I mean what was I going to do, be single.

I am a very sexual person, once I am in a committed relationship.I like to explore, have fun, go all night if I want too, I like and want to be desired by the man I am with. What I don’t like is abusing my trust. I don’t like feeling like I am getting second best, I don’t like for one minute taking my trust and having it interfere with how I make love. Most of all I don’t like the feeling of not feeling safe, and I never felt safe with him again.

This is not even my full list of Red Flags, but my point in this post tonight is hear what people tell you, but listen for what they are really trying to tell you. People are only as fake as you allow them to be.

When you have gut feeling something is up trust me it is. When you have given a person many chances please know that once you extend your limits that it will happen over and over again, the lying, the cheating, the secrets , the emotional abuse, the stonewalling. No one should ever take your heart and play with it, no one has that right too unless you give it to them. I gave him the right to lie, cheat, emotionally abuse me, and kick me out of his life over and over again as if I wasn’t even human at all. Jack would never own up to his shit, and always put the blame on me (another RED FLAG), but let’s be honest here. I did this to my self !

I am not victim here of any wrong doing and I am sorry if I came across that way, but moving forward I want to know WHAT THE FUCK IN ME THOUGHT I DESERVED THAT SHIT!!! See where the self love and healing comes in.

Thats all I got for tonight!!!

Sending love to all my broken hearts out there.

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